Saturday, April 30, 2011

Mr. Unknown?!?!?!?

Well yesterday I really started intensely looking for a donor.  Sooo many emotions and I really don't know how to describe them all. A friend of mine has been really great (and I love her dearly for it) and helping me through the process.  And even with the help, I am feeling so, ummm weird!!!!

This is much harder than I ever anticipated. I feel like this is even a harder decision than making the decision to go through the process of becoming a choice mom. Sad thing is I would not have any real doubts if I met a guy on the street had a relationship and got pregnant.  But since I have to choose, I don't want to make a mistake.  Will the kid look weird, act, weird, have medical issues, because of my choice.  It is like a lot of pressure to do the right thing.  I almost want to do spin the bottle and which ever number it stops on, is the one I go with.  That way I didn't make a conscious decision and if anything goes wrong then I don't feel I made a bad choice. 

In the movie "The Back-Up Plan" w/Jennifer Lopez, I can see why she just picked a donor.  She really put no effort behind it, just picked. I am really taking time to make a right choice, but which choice is the right choice?!?!?  NO I am not having doubts about the process, I am still going to keep trying to move forward.  But this is HARDDDDD!!!

There are a lot of options, how tall, how big, what education, what personality, what temperament, what does he look like, what blood type, what CMV type, and so on.... The bottom line is I want to make a good choice and I have to realize that regardless it is going to be ok.  I am going to love the child no matter the color, the height, the weight, the issues, the temperament, whatever... She or He will be loved.. So get over it girl.. LOL.. I am going to keep on looking and praying and I know it will be ok.  But bear with me if I spaz out again soon.. LOL

To my future child: As you probably are learning your mom can be a little OCD, LOL... But just know I wanted the best for you and picking your biological father was very important to me.  No matter what my decision turns out to be, know that I loved you so much, even before you were created that I want to make the best choice for the both of us..

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Welcome... My Choice, but WHY???

You may wonder what the title means, well on April 8, 2011, I had my first appointment with a fertility doctor to make one of my biggest dreams come true.. Becoming a MOM. 

As most women, we dream of creating a family after getting an education, a career, a husband, then the babies come.  I mean they even had childhood handgames that symbolized the "normal" way of creating life.  Why I have all those dreams, and have achieved most of them.  I have not found nor has Mr. Right found me, so I am acting on the ideal choice for me.

When I turned 30, I had a true longing to start a family, but was scared and chickened out.  So I bought a car.. LOL.. Then I got into a serious relationship, and we discussed having a family and was actually trying. Well life got the best of that relationship and it ended abruptly, leaving me feeling alone, devastated, and ANGRY. Angry because years has now passed and I still don't have what I have always wanted.  Now 34, turning 35 in July.. Time is a tickinnnnn... Can you hear my biological clock, it is LOUDDDDD and has my ears ringing.. LOL

I meet and date some very nice men.  Dating one right now, but our goals for family are not the same and I can no longer put my fate in someone else's hands. He is a great guy, but he is not ready and I will not make him ready.  One thing I have learned is you can never make someone do something they do not want to do.

Well this year I have done a lot of soul searching, and what I keep coming back to is why can't I just do it.  What is stopping me.  And I realized I was stopping me.  I was and still continue to be worried how people will see me, am I too overweight, what will I say to everyone, what will I say to my future child, will people accept me and my future child, will I be considered a freak, is this normal, will i have overwhelming loneliness??? And the list goes on, but I have made a decision that my longing to start a family is a lot stronger than all those doubts. I am afraid, but going to keep on pressing on..

I have currently lost 22 pounds and counting (GOOO MEEE) in preparation and saw my fertility doctor.  My doctor has given me some steps, blood work, fertility test, and find a Donor.  Oh my LORD did she say DONOR, even though I know that is apart of having a baby on your own, actually hearing I had to find a donor made it real and even more weird.

Over the last few weeks I have been looking at donors, this is freaking hilarious and mind boggling.  What is a motile sperm?? Well I know now.. LOL I had my blood work done and now waiting for my other test.

Every day seems easier, but still hard.  Not everyone knows, just those that are dear to me and can provide a positive influence on my decision and my future child. This blog was not my idea, but I spoke with a friend about my options and she was like OHH you should blog your journey. At first I was like UMM too personal. But in true form, I said to myself, you can help someone whom also may feel against a wall and have no other options.

Everyday, I learn more about myself, my doubts and why I am taking this path.  I am currently reading this book, it is freaking AWESOME.  I am only on chapter 4 and about 80% of my questions have been addressed. "Choosing Single Motherhood: A Thinking Woman's Guide, by Mikki Morrissette" It is a MUST read if you are thinking about becoming a single mom no matter the choice. It discusses finances, daycare, networks, doubts, etc. I have also started checking out and there is actually a network here in my area, shocking.. not in the bible belt?!?!?!

So today, I am much stronger than I was on April 8th, but I know I have a long way to go.  Whether this is your choice or not, think about your life and what makes you happy.  We only have ONE chance at this life thing.  So this is my choice, but what is yours.  What have you always wanted to do, but been too afraid.  Think about that really hard?!?! and take action. No it will not be everyone's ideal choice for you, but it is your ideal choice for you :-)

This is something I read from the above mentioned book that is speaking to me and will continue to speak to me. "Life reveals itself in ways you cannot control or predict, so allow yourself to mourn that plans are not going to according to schedule, but don't let it stop you from moving. Life has surprises in store for you if you just keep walking" (Taken from Choosing Single Motherhood: A Thinking Woman's Guide - Mikki Morrissette)

This blog is not only for my therapy and give me a voice when the doubt sets in. But also a way for me to explain to my future child my reasons and thoughts.  So to my Future Child... Know that things will not always be easy for us, and there will be times when you are confused.  But know that you were wanted by me and your extended family.  We will always love you and protect you.  I dreamed and prayed for you everyday, so whenever you have doubt, you are teased for not having a Daddy.  Know that Mommy loves you and will make sure that the voids you may feel in your life are filled to the best of my abilities and I got you back, as just the thought of you has mine.  Love you with all my heart and soul...

Well until next time... Be Blessed and follow your dreams...