Monday, June 27, 2011

What to say?!?!?

As you have all read or heard from me, I am expecting.  I am super excited about this chapter of my life. As of Saturday I have already hit 5 weeks prego.  Still a very critical and scary time.  But I am taking it one day at a time. Take every day as it comes.  I want to enjoy each day of this journey without too much worrying about what can happen. While I am not naive to all that can happen, I am working really hard to not allow all those things over shadow the joy I am feeling.  I am still in shock, but also overjoyed.  I cannot wait until the 6th to see my lil button.

As time passes I do begin to think about the questions I will get. So I am posing a question to you all to weigh in on. As you are also probably aware of, I am very secure if my decision to become a choice mom. There will be days when I wished I had a spouse to share this with, but this way is ideal for me and I am all in. Even though I do not intend to officially announce my pregnancy for a little while, what do you say when you announce your pregnancy?

Like what is too much, what is too little, when is too soon, etc? What is anyone business really?

I am mostly concerned about when I finally decide to tell my manager and my employees. They all know I am not married, so how do you give the announcement? I do have some VERY nosey employees, and I know they will chatter. I also have some VERY nosey friends and associates, whom I know for a fact will ask a shitload of questions. Just seeking a little advice on what is enough and what is too much when announcing my pregnancy.

In my mind, this is private and I would never ask people any information they did not offer, especially initially.  But I know folks.. So SOS.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

This is REAL.. Beta #2

Another blood test today, and my numbers have doubled.  Today's Beta # was 497.8. They say my numbers are great, this is too exciting!

Everyone at the office is SUPER, I am going to miss them when they release me to my OB. I am so grateful for all they have done from me. Just the constant positive attitudes have made this process so awesome and it has been invaluable to me and my family.  Everyone just smiles so big when I get off the elevator, it is surely a welcome to have such great customer service. Even though I never thought I would have to take this path, I am truly blessed at how smooth things have gone.  God must have carved this path just for me, and I will embrace it everyday!

I have an ultrasound in 2 weeks, I cannot wait to see the lil pea :-).  It is so awesome to have such an early image of my little one. WOW, my little one.  How I have prayed for the day when I would be able to say my little one.  Not anyone else's but MINE.  Words really cannot express the gratitude I feel, to have been entrusted with this wonderful miracle called motherhood.  I know I have a LONG way to go with my pregnancy, but today, right now I am feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.

Please all join me in prayers of a healthy, full term pregnancy. And a healthy, happy bundle of joy!

To my Future Child: Can you believe we are really united. Like the old song "Reunited and it feeels sooo good", we are not reunited, but united (you get the point... lol). As I have said above I feel so privileged and honored that God picked me to be your Mom. I can't wait to meet you in 240+ days!

Monday, June 20, 2011

WOWWWW .. Beta #1

When I walked into the doctor's office today, all the ladies at the front desk looked at me and just smiled, as if they knew. One of the ladies, I have gotten friendly with says "where is your cheering section, they are a hoot". LOL I figured I could handle this appointment on my own, so it was just me.

So as I wait, this MARRIED man is getting a little too friendly with me.  After he tells me his wife sent him there (which I assumed was to give a specimen). Really guy, Hello was enough but all this conversation is NOT cool. But I was nice and entertained his conversation for a very short while.

I go to the back and before sitting I told the lady, it is very hard to get blood from me. So she immediately got another nurse.  Thank God, cause I cannot handle all the probing.  So while I wait for the nurse to come, I see a familiar face. OMG it was the lady who used to groom my dog.  She just kind of fell off the face of the earth, but there she was.  I was so excited, we hugged.  She told me she was burnt out and had to give it up (my dog's haircuts have not been the same since she groomed him). We chatted for a while, she asked why was I there, I said to have a baby. She said ME TOO. So she gave me her number, I will have to call her to share stories and to hopefully get Chico a good cut (she said she does groom a few from home).

So the nurse comes and of course the first stick did not take.  She had to go to the other arm.. YEAH! She said, whoever gives you your IV when you go into labor needs to be sent up for Sainthood, LOL. They said see ya, and we will call in a few hours.

They called at 11:08am and I AM REALLY PREGNANT! She said my Beta is 209 and my progesterone was 26, whatever that means.  All I know is I am really pregnant! She said the number were great! I have to go back on Wednesday for a repeat test and then 2 weeks after an ultrasound.

OH HAPPY DAY!  P.S. Still in shock!!!!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

It Really Happened!

No Denying This!

Had to see the words and there they are! Clear as day!

BFP!!!! I have no words for really How I am feeling. I think I am still in shock. I am so excited to go on this journey. This has truly been one of the best weekends of my life. I NEVER thought I would see those words on a test I took.  Maybe someone else's test but not mine.  I have been wanting this for so long, so it is pretty surreal.

My message to all my fellow Choice Moms, keep believing! It will happen for you, whether insemination, IVF, adoption, known donor, anonymous donor, it will happen. Just KEEP believing and taking control of your choice.

To My Future Child:  I knew we would connect one day, but it is so amazing to know that you are starting to grow in my belly and we will meet in ~252 days. I will be responsible with my actions as I carry you and can't wait to meet you. I have been leaving little messages for you, but now to know you are actually being formed is amazing. Know that everyday I prayed for you, and even though our lives will not be like what others may have; you have a great family that will show you lots of love and they are so excited to meet you. They are already trying to plan a shower, they need to hold on a minute. LOL.

Friday, June 17, 2011

13 days past... What a difference a day makes!!!

All I can say is, life is a funny thing and God is amazing!!!!

Woke up at 4:00am'ish and had to PEE... So I said girl take a test and stop being crazy! Well I did after I about dropped the test into the toilet because I had to go so bad. Well I made it and peed on the stick. OMG can you believe it was a + on the screen. A POSITIVE!!!!!  I sat there an looked at it for a several minutes not believing it.  I came back to bed, thinking I would go right back to sleep NOT.  I put the test in a paper towel and put it on my nightstand. When I got out of the bed, the + was a lot fainter and I thought OH NO I was dreaming.  So I went and got the instruction pack and it said "Read the test within 10 minutes any changes to results there after should be disregarded".  So I disregarded.  CD was here so when he woke up, I told him.  He looked a little shocked but happy for me. My sister is in town visiting, so I woke her up at about 7am and told her and my niece.  They couldn't believe it either. I called my other sisters and Mom all screaming and one crying. The best part is today is one of my sister's birthday, and I haven't talked to her on the phone yet today. 

I can't believe this, I am actually pregnant (at least what that test said). I still cannot believe this is real.  I feel like I need to take another test, cause I feel like someone is playing a horrible joke on me.  I just sent my niece to the store to get one of those digital once, cause I have to see the word PREGNANT and maybe my mind will be at ease!

How am I feeling? Overjoyed, Happy, Emotional, still not believing it. I can't even believe it! The first IUI, Lord I cannot believe it. I can't believed I defied the odds.  Little ole me!

I have a schedule appt for a Blood pregnancy test for Monday, and I cannot wait until I hear it from them as well. I really cannot believe this is happening, but I am so thankful!  Stay tuned, I will let you all know what the next one says!

So excited and in shock! I really thought AF was on the way, had none of the "normal" prego symptoms.  WOW is all I can say... Someone pinch me!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

12 days past... BLAH!

Mood today is BLAH! I have not retested, planned to this morning.  BUT I had to go so bad, I couldn't get the test out in time, I was like DANG.. lol .  So I will try tomorrow, if my cycle doesn't start.

Speaking of cycle, that is why I am BLAH. I am having those "my period is about to start" feelings, and I am sadder than I thought I would be. I know there is always still a chance, since I have not tested, but you know how it is (well for some of you, you have no clue). There are some feelings as women we know, and I know this one.  I am PRAYING really hard that maybe it is not and I can still be pregnant.

I think the people in my life think it is easy to keep going through this over and over again.  NOT. It is emotionally taxing and not to mention a little painful. I have been wanting this for 10 year at least and continuously going through this process will  not make be want it or appreciate it even more. I would like to defy odds for a change and not have to FIGHT so hard for a change. It seems like I have to fight for everything I get, why can't it just be easy sometimes???

The waiting is agony, the process is agony, the cost for donor sperm is agony, the hoping is agony, the optimism is agony, reading about so many failed attempts is agony, knowing that is so easy for people who do not deserve or want kids is agony, and the list could go on.

So trying not to let this BLAH take over me or my day, because there could still be a blessing growing inside. Maybe once I go outside to the birthday party for the company I work for it will cheer me up.  It has been 100 years and it feels good to be apart of a legacy. I am still full from all the volunteering I did yesterday in honor of the Centennial. So I am going to try really really hard to "shake it off"!

PRAYING and HOPING for the best.. Will you join me?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

8 days past...

8 Days have passed since my IUI #1, and like I posted last time I would take a test. I know super early, but I think I had to put my mind at ease and kill some time. I guess I am liking torture these days. The test was as expected negative, but that does tell me the trigger shot is out of my system, so whatever the next test is I can be sure that is not effective the outcome.

My good friend DM was very anxious for me to take a test, so her curiosity is cured as well.  I am surprisingly not disappointed or depressed about the outcome. I think I was expecting it.  However, if this is not the one and the next one is not either, then we will be having another type of blog entry.  While I understand the percentages are low, my expectations are high. I know I need to be realistic, but I am human so I know the sadness will kick it.

If I am not pregnant this time, I will be scheduling some time with my doc to talk about other options. Because I refuse to do the same thing over and over again with no results. I do have to be careful about IVF because my insurance will only pay for 2, but it will be an option if I continue to come up short. I have always had high expectations for my life, and this is no exception.

Even though, I very well could be pregnant now.  So I am going to keep the faith, stay positive and believe in dreams!

To my Future Child: Never forget to dream and set goals for your life.  Always be the best you can be and go after your dreams with the best you have.  Not anyone else's best, your best. However, also remember and understand that your dreams and gaols may not happen right then, but never give up. And always have faith in a higher power (aka God and Jesus).

Friday, June 10, 2011

6 days past...

It has almost been a week since my very first IUI, and I am so excited to take a Pregnancy test that I cannot contain myself.  I am vowing to wait until Sunday, but receiving a little pressure to take one NOW.  LOL. I did go buy a 3 pack of test, so I would have a backup.

I have 4 friends who are completely sure that I am pregnant.  One has been having terrible pregnancy symptoms, so she took her own pregnancy test and it was negative, so she said someone close to me has to be pregnant. So we talked and she found out I had my IUI, she started screaming "IT IS YOUUUU".  I told her, from your mouth to God's ears. 

It has been very interesting. I made a promise to myself several months ago that whenever I did have an IUI, I would not overly obsess about every little feeling I had or strange (or what I may be making up to be strange) thing happens during my 2ww. Trying not to turn crazed, it is hard though. Everytime my stomach feels weird, everytime I go to the bathroom one extra time, anytime I get overly tired, anytime I want some food that is not usually on my menu, or I am extra hungry; I do think to myself PMS or Baby????? It does not help that my entire family and all my close friends are willing me to be pregnant, and I do love them dearly for it.  They tell me to not ignore the feelings, because it could very well be pregnancy.

So my plan is to test on Sunday morning and then retest on Thursday or Friday morning.  Wish me Luck!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

3 days past...

3 days past my IUI (3dpiui) and man is this really working on my patience. It seems like I have so far to go before I can test. I plan to test at home sometime next week, and I am scheduled for a blood test on Monday the 20th to verify any results. I am suppose to start my cycle before the 20th, so I am going to play that by ear.  I really feel like my IUI was like 10 days ago, but it was only 3 days... MANNNN

A few people have asked me how I am feeling, well I have the PMS type feelings.  I have some cramping and IRRITABILITY!!! I also today had that twinge type of feeling I was getting after taking the Femara. I have also been going potty more than usual. So not sure what all that mean. Does it mean my cycle is coming or does it mean that I am pregnant. Only God knows at this point, and I am really trying to not think about it until I can test.

Everything else has been going great, no complaints. Everyone is still happy and in my corner which makes me :-) really big! How do I put this out of my mind until I can test??? That is the question of the week. Probably won't be able to, but this whole process is sure showing me that you cannot control everything in your life, sometimes you have to just wait and see.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

IUI #1...

Today was my very first IUI, and I now enter the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww).

My IUI was not as seamless as I had hoped.  My cervix is high and the nurse couldn't find it, sooooo we had to go through several speculum until we got to the BIG one and she was able to find it.  Man that thing was painful.  Thank goodness for my cell phone, because I was texting the entire time. Then once she located the cervix she was not able to get the catheter in.  So we had to call the doctor to the rescue. So as I lay there with the BIG A** speculum still in, the 5 mins the doctor took to come in felt like an hour.. LOL. He got it in and I was injected with 6689 in no time.

Not really sure how I feel, I am very excited and not looking forward to waiting 2 weeks to take a test. But I am going to be a good girl!.

I did have my trusty support system, my mom, sister, and my great friend DM came (DM surprised me :-) and CD was here at my home cutting my grass and doing some "man things". My mom was able to come into the room with me. The sweetest part is when they called my name to go back the receptionist and other in the waiting room started to clap. I did not do anything special today (no special socks or outfit), just got showered, dressed and went to my morning appt.  I think I was much more reserved and calm then I ever expected to be during such an important day.

My family is so excited and have already started talking about a baby shower. I have had a lot of cramping today, but I am just happy that God could be percolating a little baby inside me as I type.  How cool is that?!?!?!

I got the best call from my brother today, he was emotional and that of course made me emotional.  But the bottom line, he is super happy for me and he even called me his "hero and he was proud to call me his sister". How wonderful is that. Today has been a great day, I am faithful that one day soon, whether it is this IUI or the next that I will get my dream of a baby.

I hope me and my little one start to grow together really soon. I am so happy to say, that today has really been a good day! YEAH, no bells and whistles, just another blessed Saturday. I just hope a baby was made in the process. :-)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Left and Right!!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy. Went for my day 12 ultrasound this morning annndddd.... I had two mature eggs, one in the left and one in the right.  The one in the right ovary was bigger about 18mm, the one in the left ovary was about 15mm. They are confident that they will grow a little more throughout the day, until I do the trigger shot tonight.

ANDD my very first insemination will happen Saturday morning! I am excited and ready for what is to come, no matter the outcome. I am just glad that everything is coming into place. I am also a believe of speaking positive and you will have positive outcomes.  :-)

I was so excited I forgot to ask how do I give myself this shot.  Well actually how will CD give me the shot.  I guess we will figure it out. I can read and there is a tutorial online that I found.

The days have been going by so slow, this whole process is really helping develop patience. Something I have very little of. I know when I do have my baby, I will need them. So thank God for this process and allowing me to develop this precious skill called patience. Every day feels like 2 days, I told a friend, I felt like my life was passing me by.  But now, it actually is moving SLOWWWWW. My family and close friends are so supportive and excited.  My sister even cried when I told her Saturday was my day. This is funny and so unreal. I never thought this is how it would go, but oh well this is my life as a cover girl, and I am embracing every moment of it :-).

To my Future child: One thing I have learned through this process is, nothing in life is every guaranteed and things don't always go as we expect. God may deliver your blessings in a very different form than you ever designed for yourself, but that is why He is who He is and we are who we are. We can dream, He makes those dreams come true.  I have also learned, OK correction learning how to be patient.  Things will happen if you are faithful and true. Always remember those things.  The Lord will never leave nor forsake you, just when you feel you have no options reach out for God's unchanging hand. He will always provide what you need and even some of what you want.