Sunday, May 29, 2011

Weird Stomach Feelings?!?!?!

Well last night I took my last dose of Femara.  Don't think I had any real side affects at least none that bothered me too much.  I was a little tired, like when on my period. I am VERY glad I didn't  have any of the of the side effects that I have read other women who take Clomid.

So now I play the waiting game.  I have to wait for my Day 12 ultrasound, which is Thursday.  Going to be praying for the best, I have a nice big egg ready for the planting. :-). During my baseline ultrasound the technician said that I had more follies than she thought she would see, so I am praying one grows really nicely.  One of the most agonizing parts of going through this whole process is waiting and displaying patience.  As I read other choice mom's blogs this is ONE of the hardest parts.

Since I am new new to this process, I am wondering if some of the feelings I am having are good. So to all my fellow choices moms I have a question.  I have been having these like period feelings, slight cramping on either side and back. Not a pain, but just a feeling like I have before my period.  Any thoughts?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Mr. 6689

I am sooooo relieved.  I have finally selected and secured my donor.. YEAH!!!!

I cannot begin to tell you all how difficult, crazy, insane this has been for me. First I never thought I would have to PICK my baby daddy. No only PICK him, but pick him and I do not know him personally.  I always thought he would pick me, we would date, get all cozy, fall in love, get married and then have a baby. Well that is not my current destiny, this is and I am working it, fabulously might I add :-). 

I have spent some long days and nights thinking about this option and which donor to pick.  Well finally he is selected and I can rest easy. I pray that this donor will help me make a healthy beautiful baby.

To my Future Child: I have agonized on this selections, because I wanted the best as possible for you.  I will share every moment with you.  I plan to be always open with you about how you were conceived, all the great people who helped make you possible, and any other details you would like to know.  I know it is not the story most of your friends will hear, but it is your unique and special story.. Just like I know you will be :-)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

First Everything...

These next few weeks, I will experience a lot of firsts.

Today I had my first Baseline Ultrasound to make sure everything was ok and I was thinning properly. Everything was great, however, that had to be one of the most gross things I ever experienced.  It was an INTERNAL ultrasound an I am.. UHH YEAHHHH.. LOL

So the technician was very informative and I learned some stuff. I start my med, Femera, this evening.  I hear the side affects are little to none, so I am very happy about that. I will take that from his evening for 4 evenings. Then on day 12 (June 2nd) I go back to the doc for another ultrasound to make sure I have a BIG egg. If all goes well, I know it will ;-). I will come home and that evening I will take a trigger shot.  CD has agreed to be the trigger man, my niece that lives with me was like UHH heck  no.. LOL Approximately 36 hours later, I will go back in to be inseminated... OMG

I am so much better today, I feel like my happy self again.  Thank God for my breakdown, I feel free, light..

I am still debating donors (I know, I know), BUT tomorrow is the day.  But here is the interesting part,  a new guy is available, as of TODAY and he is UMM UMMM UMMMM. I think he may be it.  I guess my indecisiveness may have paid off, this time LOL. I actually feel a little at ease with this donor.  Everything happens for a reason!!! God is good and feeling so blessed. So I am pray for success, maybe not the first time (maybe key word, because I am faithful that I Will defy the odds), but soon there after.  A blessed pregnancy, and a very healthy baby!

Keep me in your prayers and thoughts!!! :-D

Monday, May 23, 2011


Today was NOT a good day.  I had a complete meltdown at work. Today it really hit me that "this" is what it has really come to.

I don't think I have ever had a panic attack but I think I did have one today.  So many emotions, so much anger, frustration, and fear. I realized today that this is what my life has come to and caused a wave of emotion. I could not stop crying, so I finally called a friend over and she helped me talk it out.  CD also helped me, by making me talk to him. I know the end goal, my child, will make me ecstatic but today I could not believe that I do not have the "American dream".

I know there is another option, which is waiting, but that is not an option for me.  I want this, but I also think I needed to go through what I went through today.  I was completely overcome with so many emotions.

These are some of the things that was going through my mind:
WHY ME, damnit?
Anger at the past and current men in my life
I try to live right and do the right thing, why does this have to be my path
Frustrations with God and myself, I want my happily ever after
Am I being selfish, by depriving the child of a father
I am really alone, I know there are people who will be there, But ultimately it is just me. And this is my responsibility

I am probably missing some things, but that is the gist of it.  That emotion I felt was weird and scary, but needed to happen. Tomorrow I go for the my baseline ultrasound and will start my med (Femera) tomorrow evening. I can't believe this is happening so soon.  Well this is what I wanted so, I am going all in and being positive that I will have great results. I know today was needed, and I do feel a lot better.  I am not sure I will never have another meltdown, but as of right now I am ok and even able to type with with dry eyes. :-)

Well tomorrow is a new day, and praying it starts out WAY better than today did... One thing I realize is today is today, and tomorrow is a new day and I am going to embrace it with a new set of eyes.

To My Future Child: I may have my fear and frustration with this choice, but I do know that you were designed just for me! I pray our lives are truly blessed and whenever you have questions about your creation, just ask we can talk about it! No secrets....

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Day one... The Beginning of a Lifetime Change...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.. That is so cliche, but I really feel that way today. 

Disclaimer to all my men folk that follow, I will be talking about some icky women stuff, so be prepared.. LOL

Well today I started my cycle which means today is the day I officially start the process of trying to have a baby.  I know there are chances that this will not take the first time or second or third, but you have to start somewhere.  And today is that day for me.

I have about 14 days before I am actually inseminated, but it is getting close and I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I have to take my meds have ultrasounds, etc. but it is getting closer.

One things I keep praying about is the my support systems stays in tact as the process. One relationship I am worried the most about is my "male friend". I spoke of him in my very first post we will call him CD. He has been very supportive of me and my decision, but I am concerned that he is going to back off as I get into the thick of things.  And in all honesty, I need everyone I have in my life right now.  I need them to be there to see me through this.  It is hard enough dealing with all the emotions and stress, I don't want to deal with losing a good friendship.  I already feel I am losing one of my supporters, which is hard so losing another one will be harder. I hope my friendship with CD is strong enough to get him through this. He said he will be there, and I believe it as he is there when I need him, but this is something completely different for everyone I know so I have my concerns. I never needed anyone as much as I need people right now.   So pray for me everyone, that those who say they will be there really are because I cannot do this alone! It is very hard for me to rely on people, but going through this process has shown me a side of myself that I never knew existed. I always have been super independent and always there to pick up the pieces for those I care for, but now I need them and I sure pray they are there for me.

So if you are one of those people, you all know who you are, THANK YOU in advance for all you have done and will do in the future for me and my child.  Whether it is accompanying me to a doc visit, listening to me complain, listening to my doubts, etc. And I also say SORRY in advance for and future mood changes that may come with going through this process :-).   Love you all!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What a Blessed Decision....

With every passing day, I am in awe at how blessed this decision has been for me. I of course have my emotional setbacks, but this process has been very smooth for me and I feel truly blessed as if God designed this path just for me.

From the beginning, I have been overwhelmed with support from my close circle.  Then I call my insurance and my process is covered, so I have to pay minimal charges. I run across a great book that has been helping me. I was referred to a super doctor that keeps it "real". Everyone at the doctor's office is super supportive and nice. Lastly that med I was talking about in my last post that was going to cost me $119, only cost me $17... Feeling sooo blessed! I know I will have my setbacks and challenges throughout this journey, as that is apart of life.  However, today - right now I am overwhelmed with joy at how things are going.

I read so many other women's stories (who have made the choice to become a mom), and I continue to lift them up in prayer.  I am aware of the pain they are feeling, the longing they are having, the want for this process to be successful.  So no matter your challenge, whether it is choice motherhood or some other fabulous dream; please keep your dream alive and do not give up!

When my days get dark, I will come back and read this so I can continue to push through the hard days. 

To my Future Child:  As I write this, I know that God has carved this path of life just for us. So you also remember when the days get rough, preserver and always do your best.  And follow your dreams!

Friday, May 13, 2011

UMMMM, This is FAST...

Well I am a little late with this post, but I went to my doc on Tuesday for a follow up after all my test and such.  And the verdict was, I do have some slight infertility issues.  Who would have known, I thought I was going because I have a burning desire to be a Mommy but the numbers read that I would have probably ended up having to see a fertility doc anyway. My egg count is normal for insemination, but much lower than the normal woman my age. Also my progesterone levels are lower than normal. BUT God is good, I am healthy otherwise and can still move forward with the process of having a little one.

After hearing all the results the doctor told me the next steps and OMG I can actually try this month. There is a possibility, no matter how small, that I can be pregnant within a few weeks. The doctor did tell me the chances are only like 20% of getting pregnant on the first cycle, but I am going to be praying that things go smoothly for me and I do not have to go through this too many times. The doctor did say it could take 3 or 4 cycles to be successful, but I am praying for less :-).

I received 2 prescriptions, one being a shot I have to give myself (or someone else). REALLYYYYYY. But ok.  The craziest part is, it is NOT covered under my insurance and it is going to be a whopping $119. UMMM this has to happen fairly quickly cause this is getting expensive. LOL. Lets not discuss the $500+ it is going to cost per vial of donor sperm.

When I got home from the doctor, I felt so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotion.  I felt like my brain was swimming. Still have to find a donor, make sure all the money is straight, continue to prepare myself mentally for all the naysayers, etc. Well I am better today, but the thoughts never leave my mind. On or about the 22nd I should be having a cycle and the process will begin. I pray I have some good news soon.  I will keep you all posted on side effects and emotions while taking the meds.

I am excited but scared all at the same time. To my future child: Hopefully in the next few months we will be connected with one another and our journey together starts. I hope I am all you hope for in a mom, as I know you will be all I have dreamed of in a child.

Until next time.. Keep me in your prayers..

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

HSG.... WTF!!!!!

OMGGGEEEEEEEEEEE, I had to have my HSG test done yesterday. Can you say hated it!!!!

Ok, I know all of my non Choice Moms are wondering what in the hell is that.. LOL..
HSG stands for Hysterosalpingogram, LOL yes all that.. This is an x-ray procedure performed to determine whether the Fallopian tubes are open and to see if the shape of the uterine cavity is normal.  It includes speculum, catheter, vagina, and uterus.. UGHHHHHHHHHH

In order to check, they place a catheter in your uterus and inject dye/iodine.  Lord help me, it was not too bad at first but my damn uterus was moving and he couldn't get the catheter in.. SOOOO he had to clamp my uterus down, I thought I was about to fall off the table.  That mess was hurting so bad, bought tears to my eyes.. then came the catheter and oh myyyyyy. Well I survived.. LOL

BUT the best part is,  both my fallopian tubes and uterus are normal from the initial pictures :-D.. YEAHHHHHH!!!

The doctor kept saying you are in a great mood, so I kept my tude in check. I left with great news, but horrible pain. So thanks to one of my great friends she took me and bought me home, stayed with me for a while until I started snoring.  I had pain for a while even throughout today, but am sooo happy to know I am one step closer to my goal of becoming a Mommy!

I have my next appointment next week with my doc to get next steps and full results.  So standby!!! :-)

Until next time.. Thanks for being my outlet on this crazy journey of emotions...