Realization

Today was NOT a good day.  I had a complete meltdown at work. Today it really hit me that "this" is what it has really come to.

I don't think I have ever had a panic attack but I think I did have one today.  So many emotions, so much anger, frustration, and fear. I realized today that this is what my life has come to and caused a wave of emotion. I could not stop crying, so I finally called a friend over and she helped me talk it out.  CD also helped me, by making me talk to him. I know the end goal, my child, will make me ecstatic but today I could not believe that I do not have the "American dream".

I know there is another option, which is waiting, but that is not an option for me.  I want this, but I also think I needed to go through what I went through today.  I was completely overcome with so many emotions.

These are some of the things that was going through my mind:
WHY ME, damnit?
Anger at the past and current men in my life
I try to live right and do the right thing, why does this have to be my path
Frustrations with God and myself, I want my happily ever after
Am I being selfish, by depriving the child of a father
I am really alone, I know there are people who will be there, But ultimately it is just me. And this is my responsibility
Just PISSED OFF

I am probably missing some things, but that is the gist of it.  That emotion I felt was weird and scary, but needed to happen. Tomorrow I go for the my baseline ultrasound and will start my med (Femera) tomorrow evening. I can't believe this is happening so soon.  Well this is what I wanted so, I am going all in and being positive that I will have great results. I know today was needed, and I do feel a lot better.  I am not sure I will never have another meltdown, but as of right now I am ok and even able to type with with dry eyes. :-)

Well tomorrow is a new day, and praying it starts out WAY better than today did... One thing I realize is today is today, and tomorrow is a new day and I am going to embrace it with a new set of eyes.

To My Future Child: I may have my fear and frustration with this choice, but I do know that you were designed just for me! I pray our lives are truly blessed and whenever you have questions about your creation, just ask we can talk about it! No secrets....