Saturday, October 6, 2012

What a Wonderful Life!!

I have been missing in action!!!

I am so in love with my baby! She is such a joy and a blessing.  So much has happened.  Baby K is crawling, has 2 teeth, had a dedication, crawled up the stairs (yes I was scared), had her first cold and ear infection, and so on.  

And through every milestone, I say THANK YOU God for such a precious and Happy little baby.  Motherhood is great, but also hard.  I have my moments but for the most part I would not change anything.  I do wish I had more help with her, but hey I will make it through.  

I can't even begin to describe how much I love being a Mom.  I wish I had more time to post, but with working, being mommy, and trying to have a small social life it is very hard.  I also miss reading updates on my fellow Choice Moms.  I Pray for them all often.  I know doing this alone is rough some days, so I send up prayers for those who are in the same position.  

Until next time... I think I hear someone waking from her nap (she does not sleep long)...

Here is an update on my little baby girl!

Baby K and her Nanny (what we call my Mom) at her Dedication

You see my little teeth!!!

I think I am a big girl!!!

SOOO Happy!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Nothing stays the same!

It is always amazing to me how the only thing in life that is constant is CHANGE!

My life had made some significant changes since having Baby K, some good but some are sad. All the good are associated with my blessing in the form of a precious little girl!  I do not know how my life functioned before her.  I cannot even imagine life any other way now.  I am so in love!  Watching her explore the world and learning something new daily, it just makes my smile.  I so enjoy being her mom and taking care of her.  Nothing has EVER fulfilled me in this way.

One of the sad events is one of my biggest supporters and I are no longer "dating". It has been sad for me, because I got so used to having him be apart of my life. He was there from day 1 of my process and throughout my entire pregnancy. Thank God for Baby K because she keeps my mind and heart occupied enough so that the change has not made me totally numb.  I must admit it does hurt.  We were in each others life for the last 3 years. With my birthday coming up, it is a bit somber because we usually celebrate together.  Not sure that will happen this year.  One thing I have learned from being a single mom is you need people, so when one is not there it is devastating. I have always been such a independent person, but Baby K has enabled me to lean on others.  Which has been very hard for me, but such a requirement.  So not having him there has been an adjustment, if not just that I know I can count on him.  I don't feel I can any more. We are still friends, but I do not feel he puts forth the effort he used to to be there for me. Even just as a listening ear, I feel he doesn't care as much, Becca's he is consumed with the new things he has added to his life.  I have always been able to balance my life and still be there for everyone, so when I feel I do not have that I resent it. I know I shouldn't or can't expect people to be like me, but damn it I am human with feelings and expectation (whether they are realistic or not).  I give and love hard, and sometimes I want others to do the same for me.  But for him I think he allows outside influences to change how he interacts with me and Baby K, and that pisses me off.  Because I never did that, and there was always someone trying to butt into our friendship.  

Oh well, this too shall pass; I can't keep sulking about it but I am hurt and disappointed. I am praying that God is continuing to prepare my Mr. Right for me. But some days I feel like it will just be me and Baby K :-/. Like I said nothing stays the same, so let me fasten my seat belt so I can be ready for the next ride my life is about to take. I am praying it is a good one!!!!

Monday, June 4, 2012

One Year Ago!!!

I just realized one year ago today I had my first and only IUI.  And today I am blessed with the most beautiful little girl.  I am so grateful and humble to have had God's love shine on me in such a awesome way.  It is amazing one year can bring so many ups and downs.

Every day is a new day and some are better than others, however, on this day in 2011 I made a choice that has been one of the best decisions of my life.  I am so glad that I was strong enough to take the leap of faith because nothing can compare the the blessing I have in Kendall Marie!

The love in her eyes when she sees me, is nothing I thought I would ever experience.  Like the Stephanie Mills song says "I never knew love like this before, now I'm lonely never more... Since you came into my life"...

Wow, what a difference a year makes! So happy for this day!

So Happy all the time!

My Blessing!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Round of Applause!!!

I want to give a round of applause to all my Choice Mom and all Moms out there!!!!

Happy Mother's Day.  As I reflect on my very first mother's day, I am filled with joy.  I was strong enough to make the decision to become Kendall's mom on my own terms.  I am very proud of myself and proud of all the other Choice Moms out there. 

Being raised by a single mom, I know the job was hard, but never understood the magnitude until I became a Single Mom.   Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for giving me such a wonderful blessing, but it is very hard work doing it alone.  I would not change my decision for anything, but I am human and some days I look around and wish there was someone around to help me.  I have to do everything.  Not sure a lot of people get that, we do it ALL.  And it makes me very proud to be apart of a community of such strong women. 

I cannot sit here and say I do not wish I had a husband who could make sure today was special, because that would be a lie.  I do wish I had that.  But that is not my story, so I keep on persevering. Thanks to two of my great friends DM and TW, my Mother's day was all I needed it to be; Great. They both showed me a lot of love and made sure I felt special.  So for that I am truly thankful to have friends who love me and Kendall so much. 

So to all the other Moms out there Happy Mother's Day and if no one told you today; I am very proud of the Mother you are and your children are fortunate to have you.  Take Care, enjoy no matter the situation and love those who love you!

To KC: Because of you, I can celebrate today and I thank you.  I dreamed of this day for a very long time. This is the first of many mother's days we will share together and I will always be honored and proud to be your Mom and call you my daughter! Love you!

Happy Mother's Day, Love Kendall

Our Mother's Day Self Portrait :-)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Introducing Kendall Marie... 2 months late :-/

I cannot believe I have been away for over 2 months.  Life has been completely different.  I have been putting all my attention on my precious angel.  Well I have so missed all my fellow blog moms and reading about the changes in their lives and their bundles of joy.  I am going to try to and do better at blogging.  I am just trying to enjoy every minute of my little angel before I go back to work at the end of the month.

Well I would like to officially introduce my daughter Kendall Marie.  She was born as scheduled on February 17, 2012 @ 10:51 am via c-section. She was a little one 5lbs 10 ozs and 19 inches long.  My delivery was smooth, I unexpectedly calm.  Everyone treated me sooooo well in the hospital.  I had a great stay.  I had to stay 2 extra days in the hospital because after giving birth my blood pressure was out of control. I cried when it was time to leave the hospital.  I had so much anxiety that it was all on me now, no more nurses and doctors to check our vitals and make sure we were alright.  It was all on me.. OMG.. I was freaking out.  I felt so inadequate and unprepared.  But did very well.  I also felt that same anxiety the first night Kendall and I was alone. But again we made it. :-) 

Just arrived
Few hours and I am sleeping so peacefully

Our first days were rough, but I still was extremely happy to be Kendall's Mom.  I did have some days were I felt soooo lonely and wondered had I made the wrong choice; by choosing to have her alone.  But then I would look into her eyes or watch her sleep and know that she was the best decision I had ever made. Every day is an adventure with many highs and lows.  But all in all I am truly blessed to have such a precious healthy baby.  Baby K is such a animated baby, she has so many faces and expressions and it just warms my heart.  As a new mom it has been a true transition and I am learning how to adjust everyday. I never thought I would deal with depression, but like most women I had many days where I was depressed and weepy.  Those first 3 weeks were HARD, and I questioned if I could make it through.  I was also very disappointed that all the people I thought would be there more were not, and the people I didn't expect to be there were.  It was very hard for me to know that the people I wanted there were not present, but again I made it through and work on that feeling of abandonment everyday.  I know there is a lesson to be learned in all we experience, so I am accepting the lesson and learning from it. 

Breastfeeding made me feel so close to her, but it made it hard because she was up like every hour wanting to nurse. But hey we made it through and it made me stronger.  I was not able to breastfeed as long as I desired because I was not producing enough milk, I stuck it out for 7 weeks.She is not on formula (which was hell trying to find one that agreed with her) and sleeping through the night.  I have so much anxiety that one day she is going to change on me and not sleep through the night anymore. I know I need to just relax and be secure in the job I am doing, but I am so nervous that she is one day going to go back to being up all night.  So far she has slept through the night consistently for 2 + weeks.  The day of her 2 months I started with a nighttime routine (after push from the doctor) and put her in her crib.  She was sleeping in her bassinet in my room. I was so afraid that she would need me and I would be so far away.  But to my surprise she sleeps perfectly fine in her crib and sleeps all night long.  I was so shocked at how "easy" it was to get over it.  But I did and I think we are both better for it.  I have learned so much about motherhood that is is not funny.  I love sharing my experiences with friends who have new babies.  I feel like Kendall came to teach me something and so I can help others. 

She is such a happy baby talks/coos all day long, BUT she does NOT play when it is time to eat or go to sleep.  She makes it know what she wants.  She LOVES to eat and she was so small that it shocked me but she loves her milk :-). The doctor encouraged me to feed her less because she was gaining weight to fast (which I felt was a little crazy being she was so small) but then figured I guess they know better than me. So I listened, it has been hard because she wants more, but i am sticking with it. 

I pray everyday that my little baby stays healthy and happy.  She brings my family so much joy!

Here are a few pics from Kendall's first months:
In the hospital
So relaxed!!!
Tummy Time
Mommy that was funny!
Hey Good Looking!

Me and my Angel!
What you say?!?!
That Taste good!


Kendall and my niece.. We all love her!!!
To Kendall: Words cannot describe how much you mean to me... You are my joy. Every day will not be easy for us, but it will be worth while.  There is a lesson to be learned by all experiences and I pray that you embrace them all. As I have learned after having you those closest to you will sometimes disappoint you, but love them anyway. It all makes you stronger. I am so happy to have you in my life and look forward to the journey together! You can always count on me no matter what, just know that Mommy is there for you.   Even when we do not agree and you make a mistake, I am here to help you understand the ways of the world. Welcome to the world and here's to a LONG life!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Getting Nervous and Happy Valentine's Day!!

As my big day get closer, I am starting to get nervous!!!

I know God is going to watch over me and Baby K, but when the doctor goes over all the "what if's and could be's" it has gotten to me.  I am sure nerves are apart of all this, but I was cool at one point.  I am trying not to get too worked up,  because I know that will not help at all.

Even through the nerves I am still very excited to see my little girls face and hear her cries.  I wonder every day what I am going to do when I hear that precious cry. I am so giddy!

Still working to get the house in tip top shape and doing all the things I do not want to have to think about later, so I have been busy on my swollen (sausage looking) feet.. LOL. The joys of motherhood. 

Well 2 ish days to go and I can see my Princess!

To  Baby K:  We will meet on Friday and you cannot believe how excited me and your family are to see you.  I know I have said this so many times in these blogs, but you are so loved! Everyone is having their own personal countdowns waiting on your arrival. Today is Valentine's Day, remember to give the love that you receive and sometimes the love you think you should be receiving, it may sometimes get hard but it will surely pay off!  A lot of times life will not be fair, but never let that change who you are and what you are to those whom you love.  No one is perfect, so even those whom say they love you the most may hurt your feelings, but speak up but do not hold a grudge.  Love freely!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

She is coming!!!

Life has been interesting and fun all at the same time. 

I  had the very best baby shower ever! I also had a surprise one at work! I have felt so much love for me and Baby K. Everyone has been so supportive. My baby shower was awesome, of course there is always one that causes drama and has to be the center of attention.  But even through that I was still super happy, giddy and emotional the entire day!

I have started the swelling really bad in my feet when I am working too hard. The body has a way of telling you to slow down. I am still going to the doc twice a week, which is not too bad.  I enjoy the fact that I get to hear her heart beating so often.  We did have one scare, she was not very responsive one day and I had to have some additional testing.  Me and my family were really nervous, but she was a'ok.  I have had a few braxton hicks contractions, but nothing too bad.  I think all the excitement of family and friends sent my body through a tail spin.

I had a growth ultrasound on the 3rd and she is still growing nicely.  She is measuring 6lbs 2ozs.  I am so happy she is healthy.  I hope I am not the only mom to be, that even at 38 weeks still worries that she will be alright. I still have minimal fears that something could happen to her.  I feel so bad for thinking it, because this has been such a blessed pregnancy.  So I ask for forgiveness and try to shake off the bad feelings.

Soooooo turns out I have to have a c-section. My cervix is really high.  I knew that because my insemination was very painful and took a long time because they had to get to my very high cervix. I never thought it would effect labor and delivery.  Well the cervix is high and the pelvic is small. And will make the descending process hard.  So, I am having a c-section on Friday, Feb 17th.  I am very excited and surprisingly not nervous, YET! I have never been hospitalized so I have no idea what to expect with IV, the stay, and such.  I am excited to know she is coming.  I can't  wait to meet her and see her face!

I stopped working  yesterday, which was a little bittersweet.  I am actually going to miss those folks :-). But I am glad to have the next week to mentally and physically prepare as much as possible to "officially" be a Mommy! This is my last weekend as a non parent, very surreal feeling.  But I am so ready for my little girl.  I am very scared of how well I will do with her and if she is a cranky baby. I know I will have a lot of support, but she is my responsibility and that is very surreal. Bottom line.... Ready or not here she comes!!! Stay tuned and please send up prayers for a safe delivery!  Thank you all!