It is always amazing to me how the only thing in life that is constant is CHANGE!
My life had made some significant changes since having Baby K, some good but some are sad. All the good are associated with my blessing in the form of a precious little girl! I do not know how my life functioned before her. I cannot even imagine life any other way now. I am so in love! Watching her explore the world and learning something new daily, it just makes my smile. I so enjoy being her mom and taking care of her. Nothing has EVER fulfilled me in this way.
One of the sad events is one of my biggest supporters and I are no longer "dating". It has been sad for me, because I got so used to having him be apart of my life. He was there from day 1 of my process and throughout my entire pregnancy. Thank God for Baby K because she keeps my mind and heart occupied enough so that the change has not made me totally numb. I must admit it does hurt. We were in each others life for the last 3 years. With my birthday coming up, it is a bit somber because we usually celebrate together. Not sure that will happen this year. One thing I have learned from being a single mom is you need people, so when one is not there it is devastating. I have always been such a independent person, but Baby K has enabled me to lean on others. Which has been very hard for me, but such a requirement. So not having him there has been an adjustment, if not just that I know I can count on him. I don't feel I can any more. We are still friends, but I do not feel he puts forth the effort he used to to be there for me. Even just as a listening ear, I feel he doesn't care as much, Becca's he is consumed with the new things he has added to his life. I have always been able to balance my life and still be there for everyone, so when I feel I do not have that I resent it. I know I shouldn't or can't expect people to be like me, but damn it I am human with feelings and expectation (whether they are realistic or not). I give and love hard, and sometimes I want others to do the same for me. But for him I think he allows outside influences to change how he interacts with me and Baby K, and that pisses me off. Because I never did that, and there was always someone trying to butt into our friendship.
When I started my journey, my biggest supporter bailed on me, too. After promising he could handle it. It was very sad because we had been inseparable for a couple of years and had lots of mutual friends.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings of loving being a mom but not giving up on romantic love. Who says we can't have it all? We can. :)
I am SO happy that I came across your blog! I am right now where you were a little over a year ago. Reading your blog has helped me realize that there are other black women seeking to become choice moms. I'm so happy that your journey was quick and I hope mine is too! Baby K is ADORABLE!!
ReplyDeleteAs for CD, well, I guess we learn a lot about people when the going gets tough. I hope that this situation is temporary and that things go back to normal with you two.
Can't wait for another post!