Mr. Unknown?!?!?!?

Well yesterday I really started intensely looking for a donor.  Sooo many emotions and I really don't know how to describe them all. A friend of mine has been really great (and I love her dearly for it) and helping me through the process.  And even with the help, I am feeling so, ummm weird!!!!

This is much harder than I ever anticipated. I feel like this is even a harder decision than making the decision to go through the process of becoming a choice mom. Sad thing is I would not have any real doubts if I met a guy on the street had a relationship and got pregnant.  But since I have to choose, I don't want to make a mistake.  Will the kid look weird, act, weird, have medical issues, because of my choice.  It is like a lot of pressure to do the right thing.  I almost want to do spin the bottle and which ever number it stops on, is the one I go with.  That way I didn't make a conscious decision and if anything goes wrong then I don't feel I made a bad choice. 

In the movie "The Back-Up Plan" w/Jennifer Lopez, I can see why she just picked a donor.  She really put no effort behind it, just picked. I am really taking time to make a right choice, but which choice is the right choice?!?!?  NO I am not having doubts about the process, I am still going to keep trying to move forward.  But this is HARDDDDD!!!

There are a lot of options, how tall, how big, what education, what personality, what temperament, what does he look like, what blood type, what CMV type, and so on.... The bottom line is I want to make a good choice and I have to realize that regardless it is going to be ok.  I am going to love the child no matter the color, the height, the weight, the issues, the temperament, whatever... She or He will be loved.. So get over it girl.. LOL.. I am going to keep on looking and praying and I know it will be ok.  But bear with me if I spaz out again soon.. LOL

To my future child: As you probably are learning your mom can be a little OCD, LOL... But just know I wanted the best for you and picking your biological father was very important to me.  No matter what my decision turns out to be, know that I loved you so much, even before you were created that I want to make the best choice for the both of us..