Releived!!!

How do you describe relief... seeing your baby's heart beat for the first time.

This morning I was a complete wreck as I prepared for my doc appt. As you have read I had bleeding on Sunday, and I was ok with that. I felt as the nurse who called me said, it happens to a lot of women and I should be ok. I have spoken to some friends and family whom have had children and most of them experienced bleeding, so I was good.  Well this morning, reality set in and I realized that I may not have a viable pregnancy.

My optimistic thoughts went right out of the window and I went straight into meltdown mode. I started not to tell anyone, because I did NOT want to hear, "Don't stress, don't be negative, Stop worrying, etc." I wanted someone to understand that this was a feeling of the moment and I would be ok eventually, whatever the reason. But of course I wanted support and I got the things I didn't want to hear. But one of my friends who has 2 little girls. She understood me, she made me feel I was not crazy or a negative Nelly, but a concerned Mom. THANK YOU TW, I appreciate that so much.

I love all my friends but when they are going through, I try to never make them feel their feelings are not valid. But sometimes I feel the expectation is so much higher for me. I am suppose to suck it up and never complain or think the worst.  Last I checked we all can think the worst, some more than others. Including me. I am a realist and usually I internalize the unknown and think of all the what ifs, negative and positive. It is amazing how when you have a negative thought, the million positive thoughts you had goes right out the window and are so easily forgotten.  I am probably guilty of also doing this, so if I have I apologize.

Ok enough of that, onto the blessing of the day. CD meet me at my appointment, which I appreciated. He got mistaken for my husband a few times, but took it in stride.  I try to correct people, because I don't want him to "feel some kind of way" about it. The doctor comes into the office and he was awesome, I told him about the previous bleeding, so he got right to it.  And there it was.. My Little Baby!!! OMG, did you read that.. MY BABY!!!!



Isn't She/He Lovely

 Heart was beating strong 115BPM, growing strong and healthy. I am measuring a little over my actual weeks, but the doctor said that was great. CD gave me the most endearing touch on my arm when everything was ok, and that really calmed me. Not sure he knows how special that was to me. I am overjoyed and feeling so blessed. 

My heart and prayers go out to my fellow choice moms  and all moms whom are trying to conceive and been facing challenges and lose. I felt so empty today, just thinking of the doctor turning the monitor and saying "Sorry this is no longer a viable pregnancy". I know my moment of emptiness has ended, but please know you are in my thoughts and I wish and pray for the very best. I know today's post could be different for me and I want you all to know I have the deepest compassion for you all. Keep the faith and do not give up on your dream.

To my Future Child: Well it has truly started our journey, our hearts will now and forever be in synch. I love you even more after seeing that little heart beat today, I never thought I could love you more. As a friend said today "It all begins with a heartbeat" and today I am confident about being your Mom and confident that you will be my child.