It Really Can Be OKAY!!

Within the last month I have had some ups and downs, but all in all it has been truly blessed! Things can really be OKAY, which does amaze me some days. But so happy it is all okay.

I had to repeat my gestational diabetes test, it was slightly elevated so I was scared. Only by 8 points, but the doctors wanted to be sure everything was ok.  I had to do the 3 hour test glucose test and it all came back perfect!!! Thank you Jesus! I started to think, Man it can't all be perfect, but I guess it can be close.  I must admit this pregnancy had been as smooth as I think pregnancy can be. WHEW!!!!

I just got back from my last Vacay before my little one is born and had a great time.  I wanted to get away from reality for a few days, because I know once K comes she is going to need all my time and traveling will be scarce.  Me and CD went to Tampa and had a blast. So glad he is in my life to help me through and be there when I need him.  My family and friends are absolutely amazing! They leave me in awe on most days.  Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my extended family seems so genuinely happy for me and just so excited to see that I am finally about to be a mommy.

I am growing more and more every day.  I have notice a lot of physical changes, but embracing them all. And if I don't say so myself, I think I still look pretty dag on good ;-). 

I had a growth scan today and my little lady is right on target.  She measured at 2 pounds 12 ounces, which is in the 42 percentile.  So she is not too big or too small, but just right! That's mommy's little girl! She is very active in my belly which keeps me smiling. The ultrasound tech was trying to get some 3D shots for me and this little Diva put her hand in her face, like she was not quite ready to be photographed. LOL.. The tech said, Hey she said Mom I need a few more weeks to get more prettied up. We cracked up laughing. Life with my little baby has been so rewarding, I can't wait to see her little precious face.

I started purchasing things for her nursery and can't wait to see it come together. Crib, dressing table, wall decor all purchased.  Still need paint and other decor. I have been so overwhelmed with my pregnancy that I am so behind on other things. I have done no Christmas shopping, no blogging, and house work. I need to get rid of some things but i keep putting it off. Then not to mentions, I have been busy with work and Christmas parties.  I am going to be partied out when it is all over.

Well at the end of the day, Life is great and me and my little lady are healthy!!!!! YEAH!!!!

I pray all is well for all my other Pregnant Choice moms and those trying! Keep on believing!!!  I have a friend who will start her process to motherhood this month, so I am also sending love and blessings her way!  Way to go MW, so proud of you girl!!!

M.I.A....

I know.. I know.. I has been almost a month since I have blogged.. SHAME on me. But I have been so overwhelmed with the joys of pregnancy days seems to go by faster. 23w5d...

Well my little lady is moving quite a bit and I just love the feeling.  I remember the first time I felt her move, kind of startled me,  because I didn't expect to feel her so soon.  But she made sure I knew it was here.  My niece was home from college, so I called her. She was delighted as well.. :-)

I think my little girl likes music.  Whenever I am listening to music loud she moves all about, and has a good ole time. Or not.. LOL.. she could be saying Mommy, I care not listen to that.  I am going to go with she likes it.  Her mom likes music, so she has to get used to it being around all the time.

I have started talking to her, my family does too.  It is so special!  Everyone loves this little girl to pieces and they have not even seen her little precious face yet.  The love she is being shown is unbelievable some days and it really warms my heart.

This past weekend, me, my Mom, Sister and niece did my registries. Super exciting... BUT I did have a bit of anxiety.  No other to put down, no co-parent.  Made me a little sad, I didn't mention it or let it seem like it bothered me, but it did a little.  I guess these are the things I have to get used to.  My daughter will only have one parent.  It does seem as if these companies are making it a little less stressful for Choice Moms.  When registering they do not make you feel like Father is required. So that helped,  but I have always dreamed to be able to register a mother and a father for my child.  Oh well, such is life! Most days I am just as content with no Daddy. But then it does hit me randomly, WHY does my daughter have to not have a father.  Why did her Mom's life turn this way.  She is so special to me already, that I just want the best for her and I have always thought Mom and Dad was what was best.  I guess I have to show her and the world that Mom and extended family is enough!  Not going to say it doesn't make me long for a committed relationship with a man, because it does.  I just keep remembering this is God's plan for me and my babies life! And thank HIM for it!

My pregnancy has been truly amazing.  Never did have morning sickness, how awesome is that :-). She has been such a good girl.  I go in 2 weeks for my glucose test... What fun.. LOL Praying for the very best outcome!!! Well I am going to try to do much better with this!!!

To my Little Girl: HEY I can stop saying future child.. I know it is a girl :-).  You have been such a blessing to me already.  I am already learning so much about myself, just having you here with me every day. I know our lives is not may not be like the you make friends and we do not have Daddy at home.  But like I will tell you every day, you are special, different, unique.  So, while there may be days you wish you were like everyone else, thank God that you have the loving family you have been blessed with.  And there may be no biologically Dad around.  You have so many more people to love you. Your uncle, your aunts, your cousins, your Nanny, me and most important Jesus! When you do not feel I understand God will never leave nor forsake you. NEVER.. So know you are never alone! Love you to pieces!!!

She is still a She!!!

I had an appointment yesterday to recheck my little girls heart and spine. Which are both great :-).  Well while I was there, I said can you make sure she is still a girl.. LOL.. I know crazy right.  The technician died laughing at me.  They already think I a part time comedienne.  Well hey before I go Pink and purple crazy I wanted to be extra sure!

The appointment was fast and no issues.. YEAH!!!

I went on my first baby window shop over the weekend, WOW all the things they have. I mean I have helped raise my nieces and nephews but there are so many new gadgets. It was fun, but a tab bit overwhelming as well. But going to take it one day at a time.

My sister is about to drive me absolutely crazy, she is so happy about this little girl that she is becoming a pain in my A**.. LOL.. I love her for loving me and my baby so much but Lord knows I want to strangle her sometimes.  I love having all the support, but I feel it is going to be a bit overwhelming as time passes. This child is going to have 1 too many mommies an that is going to irritate me. The help will be great, but all the advice after awhile can become a bit frustrating.  I am going to take it in stride for now and just put them in check when I need to.  I am so grateful they are happy, but the need to let me also have the joy of being pregnant and being a Mommy.  Like my sister was fussing because I bought the baby some bibs. REALLY bibs.. Give me a break, I know I have a lot of friends and family, but they are NOT going to buy me everything i need. Nor do I expect them too. I have not been shopping and buying a bunch of things, so leave me alone if I want to buy some dag on bibs, for crying out loud! Gotta love family! They have been a blessing, but man have they also been over the TOP!

I  have started looking in to themes for the nursery. OMG there is so much out there, almost too much! Well it will all come together and my Little Princess will have a fabulous room, that she probably will spend very little time in.. LOL but oh well Mommy wants one.

IT'S A.......

Drum roll please!!!!!

IT'S A GIRL AND SHE IS HEALTHY!!!!

How can one person be so blessed!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Had my Level 2 Ultrasound yesterday and it was amazing. The nurse that performed my ultrasound was awesome, she explained everything.  Every little part of my babies body and how it was functioning. She was so laid back and care free, she let me entire family come in the room, it was 6 of them total :-). Yes we come as a big crowd! I have opted not to have an amnio. All the testing via ultrasounds and blood testing is good for me. My chances for my baby having downs syndrome had dropped dramatically, almost down to the rate of a 20 year old. So I am OK, and to be quite honest, no matter what I am keeping my baby, so I do not want to put her life at any risk with the amnio.

The doctor says my baby is perfectly healthy. I asked could I stop worrying now, the nurse said you should have been stopped worrying. I know this is so bad, but I still think of all the bad that could happen. I have been so blessed through this whole process, and every day I ask God to forgive me for my bad thoughts. But you hear all the horror stories and I just can't help but wonder. I tell myself take it one day at a time, and not worry. I am so amazed at how blessed and seamless this pregnancy has been and sometimes cannot believe this is all happening to me.  I was taught to never question God and his wonders, but man I am so grateful that He chose me to bless do abundantly! All I can say is THANK YOU!

I will keep on saying Thank You, even through the good and the bad because this feeling today and yesterday is AMAZING!

I already love this little girl so much, I am afraid of how spoiled she is going to be with all the love and support my family and friends have been showing me. Oh well, I will deal with that too! I guess I can start thinking about nursery and such, how exciting!  Boy oh boy, how awesome this has been!!!

God Bless America... 9/11/01

As I sit here this morning, watching all the coverage of the TERRIBLE events of 9/11/01 it saddens me like this act of terrible violence happened yesterday.  I am originally from NY and went to college in MD, so the trauma was felt very close to home. But no matter how close or far you were on that day, your life was touch and will probably never forget how you felt at those moments.

I was driving to work when I got a call that there was a plane crash in NY, I was in shock like Man how does that happen. But it came to me really fast that this was no accident! I was devastated, hurt and angry. I could not believe this was happened. Twin Towers, Pentagon and an open field in PA.  I was horrified and still to this day remain horrified.

As i sit here thinking about the evil people who made this decision to attack America, I think of the life growing inside of me. I already love this child so much and i want nothing more to protect him or her from all pain and sorrow, but I know I cannot.  I pray everyday that he or she will not have to face the tragedy we felt in our lifetime but with such evilness around us you never know.

To all those who have lost someone on 9/11 and/or in the war against terriorism may God bring you peace and comfort. To those who are no longer with us, may your souls forever rest in Peace!  God Bless America!!!

To my Future Child: As your mom and on earth protector (Jesus and God are your ultimate protectors) I want to always bring you joy and peace of mind. However, I will warn you that life will get hard and there will be bad people around that will  make that peace very hard.  I will teach you all about 9/11 and the legacy that day leaves behind. So if you ever have to face such tragedy, you will know how to always handle with compassion, dignity, and respect! Those attributes will take you a long way in life. Always remember your neighbor in need and help them...

Announcing it!!!

So I have sent out announcements to my family and started to be more free about my new joy! Pregnancy! It is amazing the reactions I am getting.  All positive, I guess it is because they are probably thinking well it just about time. LOL

I made a side comment on Twitter the other day, and a couple of people caught on, which was cute. I am so proud to say "yes I am pregnant".  To my surprise, the people who I thought would question "who the father is" have not. Some people don't ask at all. It could be becuase I have a special freind, whom is always around and they may be assuming he is the father. 

I know some of my fellow bloggers have been super sick during their pregnancies, SOOO sorry ladies!!! I can honestly say this has been so smooth. I pray labor and delivery is the same (such luck.. lol). I do tire really quick, but that is nothing compared to some of my fellow prego ladies.  Hang in there ladies, it will pass.

My family is in full swing planning a baby shower, yes already! They are so in love with the fact that I am having a baby, it just makes me so happy inside and out.  I think I am starting to look pregnant, some people say yes,  but most people say no. I did tell my boss and he was happy for me. Still debating how to tell my employees, they are a funny group of people. So I will probably do it all at once, so no one feel left out. 

In a nutshell, I am EXCITED and completely OVERJOYED with being pregnant and my CHOICE! Thank God for Choices!

Gotta a Buddy!!!

I found out about a week or so ago that one of my friends is also pregnant. I am completely overjoyed to have someone near to swap stories with that will actually understand the pain, queasiness, and sleepiness of pregnancy.

I am so happy for her :-)..  She is deserving of motherhood!!! I am praying for her healthy pregnancy and baby!

We have started taking brief walks which helps me a lot. It is hard getting started but once I get going I am a-ok. Pregnancy has been good to me, no real sickness. It is seldom and not to severe when I get nausea, so I am feeling really blessed. That is not to say that my emotions are not haywire and I can't go through a full day without feeling like a need a pillow and bed.

I am really excited about my next few appointments, I get to hear the heartbeat at one and then will most likely find out the sex on the next. All in September!!! YEAH!!!

Can't wait!!!

How Amazing!

Life has been great and my baby is great as well. As promised, I am attaching the ultrasound from my last post (I know I am a little late):



Aww, cute little teddy bear!

 Since I am 35, I am considered high risk so I have been sent to a high risk doctor  that checks for genetic disorders. Some people may feel this is an inconvenience, but I do not. I feel blessed to be able to see my baby so often. Everyone has been so nice, they explained everything we went through my entire family history. But it did feel VERY weird not to be able to go into great detail about the other half of my baby. However, I took it in stride and they were very understanding and supportive.

My sister that lives in Baltimore happened to be in town so she was able to attend the appointment with me, which was very nice. My mom also came. It was a great visit. My baby looked great, they took a lot of measurements and there were no signs of trouble. They also took blood, so that will tell a little further if anything is going on. OMG my baby put on a reallll show. She was flipping over, turning her back to us, and turning toward us. Me, my mom and sister were all in tears looking at how active she was being. I was saying, that is "MY BABY", wow still sooo amazing! I was very shocked at how much she was moving around, like we were bothering her.. LOL.

I have 2 appointments in September one with my OB and another with the high risk doctor. At the high risk doctor I will have a level 2 ultrasound were I will be able to find out the sex. I am so amazed at how fast things are moving, but so overwhelmed with joy!  My brother wants to hear the heartbeat so he said he is going to come in town for my 1st appt in Sept. I am probably going to be crying again.. LOL So emotional.

I really have to admit, I am still afraid something may happen. As much as I have seen and as healthy as the doctors say my baby is, I am still completely frightened about miscarriage. I know I shouldn't be and i don't outwardly show it, but the thought is always there. I guess it is normal, I don't know.

I know I have not been as active on my blog, so please forgive me. But when I get home from work I want to rest. Been very tired. But I will try to do better! 



My baby waving at me!!!

 How amazing is that! God is good, just look at this baby growing!

To my Future Child: Always be sweet and caring to others. It will take you a long way in life!

Exhausted and Overjoyed!!!

I never thought I would love being pregnant so much. I have been completely exhausted on some days, but that is all so I will take it! No vomiting, very little nausea. I am feeling so blessed. However, I have been so tired a few days last week I had to work from home because I felt as if I was drugged and could not get out of bed. The joys of pregnancy, but I am loving every minute of it.

A lot of people have told me about the exhaustion, but wheww wee it is serious.

I am 10 weeks and 3 days today and I cannot believe how fast time is flying by. I had my very first appointment with my OB and it went absolutely fabulous.  Everyone at the office is so happy for me and it showed. Everything was positive. Because I am 35 they are taking extra special care of me, a few extra appointments, but I am ok with that too. More times to see my baby is a ok with me. They are also going to watch me closely for preclampsia, due to my horrible family history and my up and down battle with hypertension.  My pressure has been great, but again I am welcoming the extra care.

I got to see my baby today and I cannot believe what I saw. She actually looked like a baby and was moving around in there. (Sidenote: wishful thinking on the baby girl) But stopped abruptly as if she was shy and didn't want us to see her boogying in there.. LOL.. I was so overwhelmed with joy. I could not believe how much she has grown.  She is healthy and the doctor was very happy with our progress. She had a strong heartbeat. This is so amazing.

My mom went with me, and the joy on her face was priceless. She cried and cried. And since I am a sucker for seeing my mom cry I was crying too. My tears were also joy, but also feeling so blessed to be able to share with my mom who will be 70 this year. She is still kicking strong and plans to be very active in my baby's life.  I cannot believe how much this baby is loved already, but I do have some very loving people around me.

On the work front they still do not know, and since I just got promoted and I feel like things are about to be shifted around; my HR partner advised me to wait a few more weeks to make my announcement. Not that she feels there will be any ill feelings or actions, but just to see the directions so I can make a decision on what will be the least amount of stress on me during my pregnancy.  I am a little disappointed because I was asked did I want to interview for this prestigious role under my VP, but probably is not a good idea now, since he will require a lot of time and attention from me. I know I will have a lot of appointments, and I never want to give half of my expertise, so it may not be a good idea. It is funny how us women have so many choices to makes when we are in corporate America. Men do not have to deal with this and family matters never seem to come into play. Bottom line is this baby means the world to me and I am ok with passing up this opportunity. One thing I am a strong believer of, if something is for me it will be. I feel that way about this position, if it is for me it will be. Whether before or after the baby is born. I would not trade my current situation for the world, carrying this life is such an honor and a blessing!

I will have to share the picture of my little teddy bear once I scan it, she is sooo cute :-) Got a big ole head, that means lots of brains ;-). What a great day!!!! Thank you Lord!

Vacation, Birthday, and Appointments.. OH MY!!!

It has been a while since I have blogged. I have been on vacation, had another ultrasound, and a birthday since my last post.

I am 9 weeks and 2 days and enjoying being pregnant. I have not had any real sickness, I feel truly blessed. Only time I am every feeling sick is when I do not eat on time or eat enough. I do tire MUCH faster but I can handle that.

So I went to Hawaii for a week and had a very relaxing time. I literally did nothing attached to the computer except to pay bills. So that is one reason I have not blogged. I really enjoyed the time off. Away from work and the real world.  The only down fall was the plane ride and the fact that I wasn't really up for doing too much. But still had a great time. I tried to not complain but some days I felt down (physically) but kept on trying to move. All is all Hawaii was great and so glad I got away.

I came home to have 2 doc appointments on Wednesday and Thursday. My sister went with me to my appointment where I had another ultrasound and needless to say my sister was an hysterical crying mess. LOL. She was may more emotional than me. She was so happy to see my little one, I was too but she cried and cried. I do feel so very loved by my family and friends they are showing me so much support it is unreal some days. Thursdays appt was at my OB office with the OB coordinator. Very informative appointment. They told me all I should expect. Since I am 35 I have to go to 2 special appointments to specialist to check out my baby. Looking forward to seeing her (yes I said her.. wishful thinking) as much as I can. I do plan to have some genetic testing and such. I want to know as much as possible so I can be as prepared as I can.

Friday comes and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! I turned 35, I am pregnant, I got a promotion at work when I came back from vacay, and I am completely overjoyed with my life right now. I tell you God has truly given me some great gifts this year and it is so overwhelming some days. But I am being thankful and taking it all in. Went and had a great massage and had a great dinner with CD on my birthday. And then came Saturday. CD along with the tremendous help of DM gave me a surprise Casino Birthday party! How awesome is that! I tell you I am SOO blessed. I have some really great friends and family. Some days I can't believe this is my life. CD has truly been a God send to my life. I am not sure if he knows how much his friendship and compassion means to me. This is a very tricky situation, but I think we both are handling it well. I never wanted to force my life on him and I think he respects that. But his friendship is invaluable to me.  Also my family and close friends have been so awesome as well. When I started this process I thought I would feel lonely as a single mom by choice, but I do not. And I am rejoicing in that feeling right now. When most women get pregnant they usually have a spouse or boyfriend who is just as excited as the expected mom about the new baby. But I can honestly say I have like 10 people.. LOL How great is that!!!

Time seems to be flying and I am enjoying my pregnancy. I got a letter today from my OB office about my financial obligations, which caught me a little off guard. I was not expecting it, I tell you these insurance policies and doctors offices are a piece of work. But I will not complain, I will deal because my financial obligations thus far have been minimal compared to other women going through this so sucking it up now.. :-).

I have 2 more weeks before I make my grand announcement and I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I did tell one of my friends and for the first time I got that silence that I have not gotten yet but have been expecting. She seemed very shocked and had lots of questions about how I am going to tell my child, etc. I handled it well, but no one else I told had that reaction, they were just happy, so it was good practice for what is to come.

To my Future Child: You have been such a good baby thus far in my belly. Not causing me any trouble :-). I think we are going to get along great, you understand me already. I will tell you, you are one lucky little baby. You have so many people who love you soooooo much already. You are going to be so overwhelmed with love that I do not even think you or I are going to be ready for all of it. Your Nanny, Aunties, Uncle, Future Godparents, Cousins, and play Aunts and Uncles are so overjoyed that you are coming. I can't wait for you too meet this rowdy bunch :-) they are a hoot and going to keep you laughing! There will be days you may be confused but you have all of us to pick up the piece, just lean on us and we will make sure you are alright! We have your back! Love you bunches already and you are only about an inch big :-D!

Releived!!!

How do you describe relief... seeing your baby's heart beat for the first time.

This morning I was a complete wreck as I prepared for my doc appt. As you have read I had bleeding on Sunday, and I was ok with that. I felt as the nurse who called me said, it happens to a lot of women and I should be ok. I have spoken to some friends and family whom have had children and most of them experienced bleeding, so I was good.  Well this morning, reality set in and I realized that I may not have a viable pregnancy.

My optimistic thoughts went right out of the window and I went straight into meltdown mode. I started not to tell anyone, because I did NOT want to hear, "Don't stress, don't be negative, Stop worrying, etc." I wanted someone to understand that this was a feeling of the moment and I would be ok eventually, whatever the reason. But of course I wanted support and I got the things I didn't want to hear. But one of my friends who has 2 little girls. She understood me, she made me feel I was not crazy or a negative Nelly, but a concerned Mom. THANK YOU TW, I appreciate that so much.

I love all my friends but when they are going through, I try to never make them feel their feelings are not valid. But sometimes I feel the expectation is so much higher for me. I am suppose to suck it up and never complain or think the worst.  Last I checked we all can think the worst, some more than others. Including me. I am a realist and usually I internalize the unknown and think of all the what ifs, negative and positive. It is amazing how when you have a negative thought, the million positive thoughts you had goes right out the window and are so easily forgotten.  I am probably guilty of also doing this, so if I have I apologize.

Ok enough of that, onto the blessing of the day. CD meet me at my appointment, which I appreciated. He got mistaken for my husband a few times, but took it in stride.  I try to correct people, because I don't want him to "feel some kind of way" about it. The doctor comes into the office and he was awesome, I told him about the previous bleeding, so he got right to it.  And there it was.. My Little Baby!!! OMG, did you read that.. MY BABY!!!!



Isn't She/He Lovely

 Heart was beating strong 115BPM, growing strong and healthy. I am measuring a little over my actual weeks, but the doctor said that was great. CD gave me the most endearing touch on my arm when everything was ok, and that really calmed me. Not sure he knows how special that was to me. I am overjoyed and feeling so blessed. 

My heart and prayers go out to my fellow choice moms  and all moms whom are trying to conceive and been facing challenges and lose. I felt so empty today, just thinking of the doctor turning the monitor and saying "Sorry this is no longer a viable pregnancy". I know my moment of emptiness has ended, but please know you are in my thoughts and I wish and pray for the very best. I know today's post could be different for me and I want you all to know I have the deepest compassion for you all. Keep the faith and do not give up on your dream.

To my Future Child: Well it has truly started our journey, our hearts will now and forever be in synch. I love you even more after seeing that little heart beat today, I never thought I could love you more. As a friend said today "It all begins with a heartbeat" and today I am confident about being your Mom and confident that you will be my child.

6 Weeks and 1 Day.. But uhhh ohhhh?!?!?!

Those who know I am pregnant have been asking me have I had any morning sickness, but no I have not had much.  At least I have not had anything horrible like I have heard from family and friends. I do have tender breast, some back pain, LOTS of irritability, Lots of pottying especially at night, and if I wait to long to eat, I feel nauseous.

So today makes 6 weeks and one day. So excited and overjoyed about being pregnant. And I am also pregnant with one of my closest friends and cousin! She is about 5 months ahead of me. But it is exciting!!!

Well here comes the uhhh ohhhh. I woke up this morning and realized that sometime overnight I had done some spotting/bleeding.  No more since then (prayers going up). Didn't know it happened until I looked down, while I was talking to my sister on the phone, and there it was in my clothes. It was not so heavy that it got in my bed. But it worried me a lot. The most ironic thing is, just before I called my sister and went to use the bathroom.  I read my daily message "via babycenter on my phone, yes there is an app for that.. LOL" and it spoke about bleeding during pregnancy.  I had been looking everyday to see if I had any an when the message started to talk about bleeding I was like I don't need this no bleeding for me.. GOOOO! But little did I know it had happened, dang on it. So me and my sister called my mom who was with 2 of my sisters and aunt. So we talked for hours and they took my mind off things.  I did call the doctor to tell them and see what they say, no call back yet.

My back has been hurting, like how I felt the day before I found out I was prego.  I will not sit here and say this is not on my mind, but I am trying VERY hard to not be overly stressed, but take it in stride. I hear a lot of women have spotting/bleeding and have a very normal pregnancy. SO that is what I am claiming.  Just my body going through some changes but my baby is A OK!

I have been positive thus far, not trying to dwell on all the bad things that could happen and enjoy it. So I am going to work very hard to keep up with the same attitude. Prayer is helping.. LOL

What to say?!?!?

As you have all read or heard from me, I am expecting.  I am super excited about this chapter of my life. As of Saturday I have already hit 5 weeks prego.  Still a very critical and scary time.  But I am taking it one day at a time. Take every day as it comes.  I want to enjoy each day of this journey without too much worrying about what can happen. While I am not naive to all that can happen, I am working really hard to not allow all those things over shadow the joy I am feeling.  I am still in shock, but also overjoyed.  I cannot wait until the 6th to see my lil button.

As time passes I do begin to think about the questions I will get. So I am posing a question to you all to weigh in on. As you are also probably aware of, I am very secure if my decision to become a choice mom. There will be days when I wished I had a spouse to share this with, but this way is ideal for me and I am all in. Even though I do not intend to officially announce my pregnancy for a little while, what do you say when you announce your pregnancy?

Like what is too much, what is too little, when is too soon, etc? What is anyone business really?

I am mostly concerned about when I finally decide to tell my manager and my employees. They all know I am not married, so how do you give the announcement? I do have some VERY nosey employees, and I know they will chatter. I also have some VERY nosey friends and associates, whom I know for a fact will ask a shitload of questions. Just seeking a little advice on what is enough and what is too much when announcing my pregnancy.

In my mind, this is private and I would never ask people any information they did not offer, especially initially.  But I know folks.. So SOS.

This is REAL.. Beta #2

Another blood test today, and my numbers have doubled.  Today's Beta # was 497.8. They say my numbers are great, this is too exciting!


Everyone at the office is SUPER, I am going to miss them when they release me to my OB. I am so grateful for all they have done from me. Just the constant positive attitudes have made this process so awesome and it has been invaluable to me and my family.  Everyone just smiles so big when I get off the elevator, it is surely a welcome to have such great customer service. Even though I never thought I would have to take this path, I am truly blessed at how smooth things have gone.  God must have carved this path just for me, and I will embrace it everyday!


I have an ultrasound in 2 weeks, I cannot wait to see the lil pea :-).  It is so awesome to have such an early image of my little one. WOW, my little one.  How I have prayed for the day when I would be able to say my little one.  Not anyone else's but MINE.  Words really cannot express the gratitude I feel, to have been entrusted with this wonderful miracle called motherhood.  I know I have a LONG way to go with my pregnancy, but today, right now I am feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.


Please all join me in prayers of a healthy, full term pregnancy. And a healthy, happy bundle of joy!


To my Future Child: Can you believe we are really united. Like the old song "Reunited and it feeels sooo good", we are not reunited, but united (you get the point... lol). As I have said above I feel so privileged and honored that God picked me to be your Mom. I can't wait to meet you in 240+ days!

WOWWWW .. Beta #1

When I walked into the doctor's office today, all the ladies at the front desk looked at me and just smiled, as if they knew. One of the ladies, I have gotten friendly with says "where is your cheering section, they are a hoot". LOL I figured I could handle this appointment on my own, so it was just me.

So as I wait, this MARRIED man is getting a little too friendly with me.  After he tells me his wife sent him there (which I assumed was to give a specimen). Really guy, Hello was enough but all this conversation is NOT cool. But I was nice and entertained his conversation for a very short while.

I go to the back and before sitting I told the lady, it is very hard to get blood from me. So she immediately got another nurse.  Thank God, cause I cannot handle all the probing.  So while I wait for the nurse to come, I see a familiar face. OMG it was the lady who used to groom my dog.  She just kind of fell off the face of the earth, but there she was.  I was so excited, we hugged.  She told me she was burnt out and had to give it up (my dog's haircuts have not been the same since she groomed him). We chatted for a while, she asked why was I there, I said to have a baby. She said ME TOO. So she gave me her number, I will have to call her to share stories and to hopefully get Chico a good cut (she said she does groom a few from home).

So the nurse comes and of course the first stick did not take.  She had to go to the other arm.. YEAH! She said, whoever gives you your IV when you go into labor needs to be sent up for Sainthood, LOL. They said see ya, and we will call in a few hours.

They called at 11:08am and I AM REALLY PREGNANT! She said my Beta is 209 and my progesterone was 26, whatever that means.  All I know is I am really pregnant! She said the number were great! I have to go back on Wednesday for a repeat test and then 2 weeks after an ultrasound.

OH HAPPY DAY!  P.S. Still in shock!!!!

It Really Happened!



No Denying This!





Had to see the words and there they are! Clear as day!

BFP!!!! I have no words for really How I am feeling. I think I am still in shock. I am so excited to go on this journey. This has truly been one of the best weekends of my life. I NEVER thought I would see those words on a test I took.  Maybe someone else's test but not mine.  I have been wanting this for so long, so it is pretty surreal.

My message to all my fellow Choice Moms, keep believing! It will happen for you, whether insemination, IVF, adoption, known donor, anonymous donor, it will happen. Just KEEP believing and taking control of your choice.

To My Future Child:  I knew we would connect one day, but it is so amazing to know that you are starting to grow in my belly and we will meet in ~252 days. I will be responsible with my actions as I carry you and can't wait to meet you. I have been leaving little messages for you, but now to know you are actually being formed is amazing. Know that everyday I prayed for you, and even though our lives will not be like what others may have; you have a great family that will show you lots of love and they are so excited to meet you. They are already trying to plan a shower, they need to hold on a minute. LOL.

13 days past... What a difference a day makes!!!

All I can say is, life is a funny thing and God is amazing!!!!

Woke up at 4:00am'ish and had to PEE... So I said girl take a test and stop being crazy! Well I did after I about dropped the test into the toilet because I had to go so bad. Well I made it and peed on the stick. OMG can you believe it was a + on the screen. A POSITIVE!!!!!  I sat there an looked at it for a several minutes not believing it.  I came back to bed, thinking I would go right back to sleep NOT.  I put the test in a paper towel and put it on my nightstand. When I got out of the bed, the + was a lot fainter and I thought OH NO I was dreaming.  So I went and got the instruction pack and it said "Read the test within 10 minutes any changes to results there after should be disregarded".  So I disregarded.  CD was here so when he woke up, I told him.  He looked a little shocked but happy for me. My sister is in town visiting, so I woke her up at about 7am and told her and my niece.  They couldn't believe it either. I called my other sisters and Mom all screaming and one crying. The best part is today is one of my sister's birthday, and I haven't talked to her on the phone yet today. 

I can't believe this, I am actually pregnant (at least what that test said). I still cannot believe this is real.  I feel like I need to take another test, cause I feel like someone is playing a horrible joke on me.  I just sent my niece to the store to get one of those digital once, cause I have to see the word PREGNANT and maybe my mind will be at ease!

How am I feeling? Overjoyed, Happy, Emotional, still not believing it. I can't even believe it! The first IUI, Lord I cannot believe it. I can't believed I defied the odds.  Little ole me!

I have a schedule appt for a Blood pregnancy test for Monday, and I cannot wait until I hear it from them as well. I really cannot believe this is happening, but I am so thankful!  Stay tuned, I will let you all know what the next one says!

So excited and in shock! I really thought AF was on the way, had none of the "normal" prego symptoms.  WOW is all I can say... Someone pinch me!

12 days past... BLAH!

Mood today is BLAH! I have not retested, planned to this morning.  BUT I had to go so bad, I couldn't get the test out in time, I was like DANG.. lol .  So I will try tomorrow, if my cycle doesn't start.

Speaking of cycle, that is why I am BLAH. I am having those "my period is about to start" feelings, and I am sadder than I thought I would be. I know there is always still a chance, since I have not tested, but you know how it is (well for some of you, you have no clue). There are some feelings as women we know, and I know this one.  I am PRAYING really hard that maybe it is not and I can still be pregnant.

I think the people in my life think it is easy to keep going through this over and over again.  NOT. It is emotionally taxing and not to mention a little painful. I have been wanting this for 10 year at least and continuously going through this process will  not make be want it or appreciate it even more. I would like to defy odds for a change and not have to FIGHT so hard for a change. It seems like I have to fight for everything I get, why can't it just be easy sometimes???

The waiting is agony, the process is agony, the cost for donor sperm is agony, the hoping is agony, the optimism is agony, reading about so many failed attempts is agony, knowing that is so easy for people who do not deserve or want kids is agony, and the list could go on.

So trying not to let this BLAH take over me or my day, because there could still be a blessing growing inside. Maybe once I go outside to the birthday party for the company I work for it will cheer me up.  It has been 100 years and it feels good to be apart of a legacy. I am still full from all the volunteering I did yesterday in honor of the Centennial. So I am going to try really really hard to "shake it off"!

PRAYING and HOPING for the best.. Will you join me?

8 days past...

8 Days have passed since my IUI #1, and like I posted last time I would take a test. I know super early, but I think I had to put my mind at ease and kill some time. I guess I am liking torture these days. The test was as expected negative, but that does tell me the trigger shot is out of my system, so whatever the next test is I can be sure that is not effective the outcome.

My good friend DM was very anxious for me to take a test, so her curiosity is cured as well.  I am surprisingly not disappointed or depressed about the outcome. I think I was expecting it.  However, if this is not the one and the next one is not either, then we will be having another type of blog entry.  While I understand the percentages are low, my expectations are high. I know I need to be realistic, but I am human so I know the sadness will kick it.

If I am not pregnant this time, I will be scheduling some time with my doc to talk about other options. Because I refuse to do the same thing over and over again with no results. I do have to be careful about IVF because my insurance will only pay for 2, but it will be an option if I continue to come up short. I have always had high expectations for my life, and this is no exception.

Even though, I very well could be pregnant now.  So I am going to keep the faith, stay positive and believe in dreams!

To my Future Child: Never forget to dream and set goals for your life.  Always be the best you can be and go after your dreams with the best you have.  Not anyone else's best, your best. However, also remember and understand that your dreams and gaols may not happen right then, but never give up. And always have faith in a higher power (aka God and Jesus).

6 days past...

It has almost been a week since my very first IUI, and I am so excited to take a Pregnancy test that I cannot contain myself.  I am vowing to wait until Sunday, but receiving a little pressure to take one NOW.  LOL. I did go buy a 3 pack of test, so I would have a backup.

I have 4 friends who are completely sure that I am pregnant.  One has been having terrible pregnancy symptoms, so she took her own pregnancy test and it was negative, so she said someone close to me has to be pregnant. So we talked and she found out I had my IUI, she started screaming "IT IS YOUUUU".  I told her, from your mouth to God's ears. 

It has been very interesting. I made a promise to myself several months ago that whenever I did have an IUI, I would not overly obsess about every little feeling I had or strange (or what I may be making up to be strange) thing happens during my 2ww. Trying not to turn crazed, it is hard though. Everytime my stomach feels weird, everytime I go to the bathroom one extra time, anytime I get overly tired, anytime I want some food that is not usually on my menu, or I am extra hungry; I do think to myself PMS or Baby????? It does not help that my entire family and all my close friends are willing me to be pregnant, and I do love them dearly for it.  They tell me to not ignore the feelings, because it could very well be pregnancy.

So my plan is to test on Sunday morning and then retest on Thursday or Friday morning.  Wish me Luck!

3 days past...

3 days past my IUI (3dpiui) and man is this really working on my patience. It seems like I have so far to go before I can test. I plan to test at home sometime next week, and I am scheduled for a blood test on Monday the 20th to verify any results. I am suppose to start my cycle before the 20th, so I am going to play that by ear.  I really feel like my IUI was like 10 days ago, but it was only 3 days... MANNNN

A few people have asked me how I am feeling, well I have the PMS type feelings.  I have some cramping and IRRITABILITY!!! I also today had that twinge type of feeling I was getting after taking the Femara. I have also been going potty more than usual. So not sure what all that mean. Does it mean my cycle is coming or does it mean that I am pregnant. Only God knows at this point, and I am really trying to not think about it until I can test.

Everything else has been going great, no complaints. Everyone is still happy and in my corner which makes me :-) really big! How do I put this out of my mind until I can test??? That is the question of the week. Probably won't be able to, but this whole process is sure showing me that you cannot control everything in your life, sometimes you have to just wait and see.

IUI #1...

Today was my very first IUI, and I now enter the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww).

My IUI was not as seamless as I had hoped.  My cervix is high and the nurse couldn't find it, sooooo we had to go through several speculum until we got to the BIG one and she was able to find it.  Man that thing was painful.  Thank goodness for my cell phone, because I was texting the entire time. Then once she located the cervix she was not able to get the catheter in.  So we had to call the doctor to the rescue. So as I lay there with the BIG A** speculum still in, the 5 mins the doctor took to come in felt like an hour.. LOL. He got it in and I was injected with 6689 in no time.

Not really sure how I feel, I am very excited and not looking forward to waiting 2 weeks to take a test. But I am going to be a good girl!.

I did have my trusty support system, my mom, sister, and my great friend DM came (DM surprised me :-) and CD was here at my home cutting my grass and doing some "man things". My mom was able to come into the room with me. The sweetest part is when they called my name to go back the receptionist and other in the waiting room started to clap. I did not do anything special today (no special socks or outfit), just got showered, dressed and went to my morning appt.  I think I was much more reserved and calm then I ever expected to be during such an important day.

My family is so excited and have already started talking about a baby shower. I have had a lot of cramping today, but I am just happy that God could be percolating a little baby inside me as I type.  How cool is that?!?!?!

I got the best call from my brother today, he was emotional and that of course made me emotional.  But the bottom line, he is super happy for me and he even called me his "hero and he was proud to call me his sister". How wonderful is that. Today has been a great day, I am faithful that one day soon, whether it is this IUI or the next that I will get my dream of a baby.

I hope me and my little one start to grow together really soon. I am so happy to say, that today has really been a good day! YEAH, no bells and whistles, just another blessed Saturday. I just hope a baby was made in the process. :-)

Left and Right!!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy. Went for my day 12 ultrasound this morning annndddd.... I had two mature eggs, one in the left and one in the right.  The one in the right ovary was bigger about 18mm, the one in the left ovary was about 15mm. They are confident that they will grow a little more throughout the day, until I do the trigger shot tonight.

ANDD my very first insemination will happen Saturday morning! I am excited and ready for what is to come, no matter the outcome. I am just glad that everything is coming into place. I am also a believe of speaking positive and you will have positive outcomes.  :-)

I was so excited I forgot to ask how do I give myself this shot.  Well actually how will CD give me the shot.  I guess we will figure it out. I can read and there is a tutorial online that I found.

The days have been going by so slow, this whole process is really helping develop patience. Something I have very little of. I know when I do have my baby, I will need them. So thank God for this process and allowing me to develop this precious skill called patience. Every day feels like 2 days, I told a friend, I felt like my life was passing me by.  But now, it actually is moving SLOWWWWW. My family and close friends are so supportive and excited.  My sister even cried when I told her Saturday was my day. This is funny and so unreal. I never thought this is how it would go, but oh well this is my life as a cover girl, and I am embracing every moment of it :-).

To my Future child: One thing I have learned through this process is, nothing in life is every guaranteed and things don't always go as we expect. God may deliver your blessings in a very different form than you ever designed for yourself, but that is why He is who He is and we are who we are. We can dream, He makes those dreams come true.  I have also learned, OK correction learning how to be patient.  Things will happen if you are faithful and true. Always remember those things.  The Lord will never leave nor forsake you, just when you feel you have no options reach out for God's unchanging hand. He will always provide what you need and even some of what you want.

Weird Stomach Feelings?!?!?!

Well last night I took my last dose of Femara.  Don't think I had any real side affects at least none that bothered me too much.  I was a little tired, like when on my period. I am VERY glad I didn't  have any of the of the side effects that I have read other women who take Clomid.

So now I play the waiting game.  I have to wait for my Day 12 ultrasound, which is Thursday.  Going to be praying for the best, I have a nice big egg ready for the planting. :-). During my baseline ultrasound the technician said that I had more follies than she thought she would see, so I am praying one grows really nicely.  One of the most agonizing parts of going through this whole process is waiting and displaying patience.  As I read other choice mom's blogs this is ONE of the hardest parts.

Since I am new new to this process, I am wondering if some of the feelings I am having are good. So to all my fellow choices moms I have a question.  I have been having these like period feelings, slight cramping on either side and back. Not a pain, but just a feeling like I have before my period.  Any thoughts?

Mr. 6689

I am sooooo relieved.  I have finally selected and secured my donor.. YEAH!!!!

I cannot begin to tell you all how difficult, crazy, insane this has been for me. First I never thought I would have to PICK my baby daddy. No only PICK him, but pick him and I do not know him personally.  I always thought he would pick me, we would date, get all cozy, fall in love, get married and then have a baby. Well that is not my current destiny, this is and I am working it, fabulously might I add :-). 

I have spent some long days and nights thinking about this option and which donor to pick.  Well finally he is selected and I can rest easy. I pray that this donor will help me make a healthy beautiful baby.

To my Future Child: I have agonized on this selections, because I wanted the best as possible for you.  I will share every moment with you.  I plan to be always open with you about how you were conceived, all the great people who helped make you possible, and any other details you would like to know.  I know it is not the story most of your friends will hear, but it is your unique and special story.. Just like I know you will be :-)

First Everything...

These next few weeks, I will experience a lot of firsts.

Today I had my first Baseline Ultrasound to make sure everything was ok and I was thinning properly. Everything was great, however, that had to be one of the most gross things I ever experienced.  It was an INTERNAL ultrasound an I am.. UHH YEAHHHH.. LOL

So the technician was very informative and I learned some stuff. I start my med, Femera, this evening.  I hear the side affects are little to none, so I am very happy about that. I will take that from his evening for 4 evenings. Then on day 12 (June 2nd) I go back to the doc for another ultrasound to make sure I have a BIG egg. If all goes well, I know it will ;-). I will come home and that evening I will take a trigger shot.  CD has agreed to be the trigger man, my niece that lives with me was like UHH heck  no.. LOL Approximately 36 hours later, I will go back in to be inseminated... OMG

I am so much better today, I feel like my happy self again.  Thank God for my breakdown, I feel free, light..

I am still debating donors (I know, I know), BUT tomorrow is the day.  But here is the interesting part,  a new guy is available, as of TODAY and he is UMM UMMM UMMMM. I think he may be it.  I guess my indecisiveness may have paid off, this time LOL. I actually feel a little at ease with this donor.  Everything happens for a reason!!! God is good and feeling so blessed. So I am pray for success, maybe not the first time (maybe key word, because I am faithful that I Will defy the odds), but soon there after.  A blessed pregnancy, and a very healthy baby!

Keep me in your prayers and thoughts!!! :-D

Realization

Today was NOT a good day.  I had a complete meltdown at work. Today it really hit me that "this" is what it has really come to.

I don't think I have ever had a panic attack but I think I did have one today.  So many emotions, so much anger, frustration, and fear. I realized today that this is what my life has come to and caused a wave of emotion. I could not stop crying, so I finally called a friend over and she helped me talk it out.  CD also helped me, by making me talk to him. I know the end goal, my child, will make me ecstatic but today I could not believe that I do not have the "American dream".

I know there is another option, which is waiting, but that is not an option for me.  I want this, but I also think I needed to go through what I went through today.  I was completely overcome with so many emotions.

These are some of the things that was going through my mind:
WHY ME, damnit?
Anger at the past and current men in my life
I try to live right and do the right thing, why does this have to be my path
Frustrations with God and myself, I want my happily ever after
Am I being selfish, by depriving the child of a father
I am really alone, I know there are people who will be there, But ultimately it is just me. And this is my responsibility
Just PISSED OFF

I am probably missing some things, but that is the gist of it.  That emotion I felt was weird and scary, but needed to happen. Tomorrow I go for the my baseline ultrasound and will start my med (Femera) tomorrow evening. I can't believe this is happening so soon.  Well this is what I wanted so, I am going all in and being positive that I will have great results. I know today was needed, and I do feel a lot better.  I am not sure I will never have another meltdown, but as of right now I am ok and even able to type with with dry eyes. :-)

Well tomorrow is a new day, and praying it starts out WAY better than today did... One thing I realize is today is today, and tomorrow is a new day and I am going to embrace it with a new set of eyes.

To My Future Child: I may have my fear and frustration with this choice, but I do know that you were designed just for me! I pray our lives are truly blessed and whenever you have questions about your creation, just ask we can talk about it! No secrets....

Day one... The Beginning of a Lifetime Change...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.. That is so cliche, but I really feel that way today. 

Disclaimer to all my men folk that follow, I will be talking about some icky women stuff, so be prepared.. LOL

Well today I started my cycle which means today is the day I officially start the process of trying to have a baby.  I know there are chances that this will not take the first time or second or third, but you have to start somewhere.  And today is that day for me.

I have about 14 days before I am actually inseminated, but it is getting close and I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I have to take my meds have ultrasounds, etc. but it is getting closer.

One things I keep praying about is the my support systems stays in tact as the process. One relationship I am worried the most about is my "male friend". I spoke of him in my very first post we will call him CD. He has been very supportive of me and my decision, but I am concerned that he is going to back off as I get into the thick of things.  And in all honesty, I need everyone I have in my life right now.  I need them to be there to see me through this.  It is hard enough dealing with all the emotions and stress, I don't want to deal with losing a good friendship.  I already feel I am losing one of my supporters, which is hard so losing another one will be harder. I hope my friendship with CD is strong enough to get him through this. He said he will be there, and I believe it as he is there when I need him, but this is something completely different for everyone I know so I have my concerns. I never needed anyone as much as I need people right now.   So pray for me everyone, that those who say they will be there really are because I cannot do this alone! It is very hard for me to rely on people, but going through this process has shown me a side of myself that I never knew existed. I always have been super independent and always there to pick up the pieces for those I care for, but now I need them and I sure pray they are there for me.

So if you are one of those people, you all know who you are, THANK YOU in advance for all you have done and will do in the future for me and my child.  Whether it is accompanying me to a doc visit, listening to me complain, listening to my doubts, etc. And I also say SORRY in advance for and future mood changes that may come with going through this process :-).   Love you all!

What a Blessed Decision....

With every passing day, I am in awe at how blessed this decision has been for me. I of course have my emotional setbacks, but this process has been very smooth for me and I feel truly blessed as if God designed this path just for me.

From the beginning, I have been overwhelmed with support from my close circle.  Then I call my insurance and my process is covered, so I have to pay minimal charges. I run across a great book that has been helping me. I was referred to a super doctor that keeps it "real". Everyone at the doctor's office is super supportive and nice. Lastly that med I was talking about in my last post that was going to cost me $119, only cost me $17... Feeling sooo blessed! I know I will have my setbacks and challenges throughout this journey, as that is apart of life.  However, today - right now I am overwhelmed with joy at how things are going.

I read so many other women's stories (who have made the choice to become a mom), and I continue to lift them up in prayer.  I am aware of the pain they are feeling, the longing they are having, the want for this process to be successful.  So no matter your challenge, whether it is choice motherhood or some other fabulous dream; please keep your dream alive and do not give up!

When my days get dark, I will come back and read this so I can continue to push through the hard days. 

To my Future Child:  As I write this, I know that God has carved this path of life just for us. So you also remember when the days get rough, preserver and always do your best.  And follow your dreams!

UMMMM, This is FAST...

Well I am a little late with this post, but I went to my doc on Tuesday for a follow up after all my test and such.  And the verdict was, I do have some slight infertility issues.  Who would have known, I thought I was going because I have a burning desire to be a Mommy but the numbers read that I would have probably ended up having to see a fertility doc anyway. My egg count is normal for insemination, but much lower than the normal woman my age. Also my progesterone levels are lower than normal. BUT God is good, I am healthy otherwise and can still move forward with the process of having a little one.

After hearing all the results the doctor told me the next steps and OMG I can actually try this month. There is a possibility, no matter how small, that I can be pregnant within a few weeks. The doctor did tell me the chances are only like 20% of getting pregnant on the first cycle, but I am going to be praying that things go smoothly for me and I do not have to go through this too many times. The doctor did say it could take 3 or 4 cycles to be successful, but I am praying for less :-).

I received 2 prescriptions, one being a shot I have to give myself (or someone else). REALLYYYYYY. But ok.  The craziest part is, it is NOT covered under my insurance and it is going to be a whopping $119. UMMM this has to happen fairly quickly cause this is getting expensive. LOL. Lets not discuss the $500+ it is going to cost per vial of donor sperm.

When I got home from the doctor, I felt so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotion.  I felt like my brain was swimming. Still have to find a donor, make sure all the money is straight, continue to prepare myself mentally for all the naysayers, etc. Well I am better today, but the thoughts never leave my mind. On or about the 22nd I should be having a cycle and the process will begin. I pray I have some good news soon.  I will keep you all posted on side effects and emotions while taking the meds.

I am excited but scared all at the same time. To my future child: Hopefully in the next few months we will be connected with one another and our journey together starts. I hope I am all you hope for in a mom, as I know you will be all I have dreamed of in a child.

Until next time.. Keep me in your prayers..

HSG.... WTF!!!!!

OMGGGEEEEEEEEEEE, I had to have my HSG test done yesterday. Can you say hated it!!!!

Ok, I know all of my non Choice Moms are wondering what in the hell is that.. LOL..
HSG stands for Hysterosalpingogram, LOL yes all that.. This is an x-ray procedure performed to determine whether the Fallopian tubes are open and to see if the shape of the uterine cavity is normal.  It includes speculum, catheter, vagina, and uterus.. UGHHHHHHHHHH

In order to check, they place a catheter in your uterus and inject dye/iodine.  Lord help me, it was not too bad at first but my damn uterus was moving and he couldn't get the catheter in.. SOOOO he had to clamp my uterus down, I thought I was about to fall off the table.  That mess was hurting so bad, bought tears to my eyes.. then came the catheter and oh myyyyyy. Well I survived.. LOL

BUT the best part is,  both my fallopian tubes and uterus are normal from the initial pictures :-D.. YEAHHHHHH!!!

The doctor kept saying you are in a great mood, so I kept my tude in check. I left with great news, but horrible pain. So thanks to one of my great friends she took me and bought me home, stayed with me for a while until I started snoring.  I had pain for a while even throughout today, but am sooo happy to know I am one step closer to my goal of becoming a Mommy!

I have my next appointment next week with my doc to get next steps and full results.  So standby!!! :-)

Until next time.. Thanks for being my outlet on this crazy journey of emotions...

Mr. Unknown?!?!?!?

Well yesterday I really started intensely looking for a donor.  Sooo many emotions and I really don't know how to describe them all. A friend of mine has been really great (and I love her dearly for it) and helping me through the process.  And even with the help, I am feeling so, ummm weird!!!!

This is much harder than I ever anticipated. I feel like this is even a harder decision than making the decision to go through the process of becoming a choice mom. Sad thing is I would not have any real doubts if I met a guy on the street had a relationship and got pregnant.  But since I have to choose, I don't want to make a mistake.  Will the kid look weird, act, weird, have medical issues, because of my choice.  It is like a lot of pressure to do the right thing.  I almost want to do spin the bottle and which ever number it stops on, is the one I go with.  That way I didn't make a conscious decision and if anything goes wrong then I don't feel I made a bad choice. 

In the movie "The Back-Up Plan" w/Jennifer Lopez, I can see why she just picked a donor.  She really put no effort behind it, just picked. I am really taking time to make a right choice, but which choice is the right choice?!?!?  NO I am not having doubts about the process, I am still going to keep trying to move forward.  But this is HARDDDDD!!!

There are a lot of options, how tall, how big, what education, what personality, what temperament, what does he look like, what blood type, what CMV type, and so on.... The bottom line is I want to make a good choice and I have to realize that regardless it is going to be ok.  I am going to love the child no matter the color, the height, the weight, the issues, the temperament, whatever... She or He will be loved.. So get over it girl.. LOL.. I am going to keep on looking and praying and I know it will be ok.  But bear with me if I spaz out again soon.. LOL

To my future child: As you probably are learning your mom can be a little OCD, LOL... But just know I wanted the best for you and picking your biological father was very important to me.  No matter what my decision turns out to be, know that I loved you so much, even before you were created that I want to make the best choice for the both of us..

Welcome... My Choice, but WHY???

You may wonder what the title means, well on April 8, 2011, I had my first appointment with a fertility doctor to make one of my biggest dreams come true.. Becoming a MOM. 

As most women, we dream of creating a family after getting an education, a career, a husband, then the babies come.  I mean they even had childhood handgames that symbolized the "normal" way of creating life.  Why I have all those dreams, and have achieved most of them.  I have not found nor has Mr. Right found me, so I am acting on the ideal choice for me.

When I turned 30, I had a true longing to start a family, but was scared and chickened out.  So I bought a car.. LOL.. Then I got into a serious relationship, and we discussed having a family and was actually trying. Well life got the best of that relationship and it ended abruptly, leaving me feeling alone, devastated, and ANGRY. Angry because years has now passed and I still don't have what I have always wanted.  Now 34, turning 35 in July.. Time is a tickinnnnn... Can you hear my biological clock, it is LOUDDDDD and has my ears ringing.. LOL

I meet and date some very nice men.  Dating one right now, but our goals for family are not the same and I can no longer put my fate in someone else's hands. He is a great guy, but he is not ready and I will not make him ready.  One thing I have learned is you can never make someone do something they do not want to do.

Well this year I have done a lot of soul searching, and what I keep coming back to is why can't I just do it.  What is stopping me.  And I realized I was stopping me.  I was and still continue to be worried how people will see me, am I too overweight, what will I say to everyone, what will I say to my future child, will people accept me and my future child, will I be considered a freak, is this normal, will i have overwhelming loneliness??? And the list goes on, but I have made a decision that my longing to start a family is a lot stronger than all those doubts. I am afraid, but going to keep on pressing on..

I have currently lost 22 pounds and counting (GOOO MEEE) in preparation and saw my fertility doctor.  My doctor has given me some steps, blood work, fertility test, and find a Donor.  Oh my LORD did she say DONOR, even though I know that is apart of having a baby on your own, actually hearing I had to find a donor made it real and even more weird.

Over the last few weeks I have been looking at donors, this is freaking hilarious and mind boggling.  What is a motile sperm?? Well I know now.. LOL I had my blood work done and now waiting for my other test.

Every day seems easier, but still hard.  Not everyone knows, just those that are dear to me and can provide a positive influence on my decision and my future child. This blog was not my idea, but I spoke with a friend about my options and she was like OHH you should blog your journey. At first I was like UMM too personal. But in true form, I said to myself, you can help someone whom also may feel against a wall and have no other options.

Everyday, I learn more about myself, my doubts and why I am taking this path.  I am currently reading this book, it is freaking AWESOME.  I am only on chapter 4 and about 80% of my questions have been addressed. "Choosing Single Motherhood: A Thinking Woman's Guide, by Mikki Morrissette" It is a MUST read if you are thinking about becoming a single mom no matter the choice. It discusses finances, daycare, networks, doubts, etc. I have also started checking out choicemom.org and there is actually a network here in my area, shocking.. not in the bible belt?!?!?!

So today, I am much stronger than I was on April 8th, but I know I have a long way to go.  Whether this is your choice or not, think about your life and what makes you happy.  We only have ONE chance at this life thing.  So this is my choice, but what is yours.  What have you always wanted to do, but been too afraid.  Think about that really hard?!?! and take action. No it will not be everyone's ideal choice for you, but it is your ideal choice for you :-)

This is something I read from the above mentioned book that is speaking to me and will continue to speak to me. "Life reveals itself in ways you cannot control or predict, so allow yourself to mourn that plans are not going to according to schedule, but don't let it stop you from moving. Life has surprises in store for you if you just keep walking" (Taken from Choosing Single Motherhood: A Thinking Woman's Guide - Mikki Morrissette)

This blog is not only for my therapy and give me a voice when the doubt sets in. But also a way for me to explain to my future child my reasons and thoughts.  So to my Future Child... Know that things will not always be easy for us, and there will be times when you are confused.  But know that you were wanted by me and your extended family.  We will always love you and protect you.  I dreamed and prayed for you everyday, so whenever you have doubt, you are teased for not having a Daddy.  Know that Mommy loves you and will make sure that the voids you may feel in your life are filled to the best of my abilities and I got you back, as just the thought of you has mine.  Love you with all my heart and soul...

Well until next time... Be Blessed and follow your dreams...